


Ashore

by WithallthisDelusion



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Betrayal, Brothers, Cheating, Dark, Dark Loki (Marvel), Depression, Domestic Violence, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Graphic Description, Guilt, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Infidelity, Jealousy, Love, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Romance, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:00:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28891008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithallthisDelusion/pseuds/WithallthisDelusion
Summary: After recusing an unconscious stranger from death, whilst attempting his own, Loki discovers new meaning in his life. As he tries to understand how someone happy and joyful would have tried to end their life.Loki meets his brother's fiancé, shocked when he discovers it the same stranger that he saved. As he tries to balance knowing her dark secret and figuring out ways that he can save her from herself.~Loki falls in love with his brother's fiancé.
Relationships: Jane Foster & Loki, Jane Foster & Thor, Jane Foster/Loki, Jane Foster/Thor, Loki (Marvel)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 130





	1. Chapter One

The soft sand seemed to melt between Loki’s toes as he staggered towards the shoreline. He was seeking out the cold water, as he stumbled numbly forward towards the sound of softly crashing waves.

He knew that deep down he was seeking reassurance that he was still alive. That beneath all the pain, he could still discover beauty. He wanted to be convinced that there was more. The memory of his father's disappointment and his brother's smug grin was still freshly burnt into his brain. No matter what he did, there was nothing that could make his father love him. Seeing as Loki was just his mother’s passion project, and his father despised him since birth, especially when his mother died soon after his birth. Leaving his father in charge of his upbringing.

Loki shivered as his bare foot touched the edge of the water, the cold shaking him out of his haze for a moment. He stared across the sea, feeling a strange pull in his chest. Like it was calling for him, like losing himself between the heavy dark waves was the answer. The muddy sea looked so calm, as it tossed up bursts of white that crept up his ankles. The cool water distracting him from the burning anger in his stomach.

All the pain that he had kept buried deep inside for the past ten years finally spilled out of him, no matter what he did he couldn’t keep hiding it. He couldn't escape the thought, that he really fucking hated himself. He hated how much he cared for his father’s approval, and how hard he tried to be rewarded. He figured that everything in his life, all the failures, disasters, and disappointment, all started with him. And that they could easily end with him too.

Loki knew that his father and brother would be so relieved without him. Not needing to look at him ever again or live with the knowledge that someone as disappointing as himself could be sharing their family name. They would be free to do whatever they wanted. His father could finally travel endlessly, leaving his relatively competent son Thor in charge of the family business. Rather than wasting his time making sure that Loki wasn’t fucking up. Thor would probably marry his girlfriend that Loki had heard good things about. They would probably pop out a kid within the next year and buy a fancy house, send the kid to a fancy school and not need to worry about Loki being an uncle. 

Loki considered what he would do in the next year, he’d probably keep doing his part for the family business. Being distracted by international sales and being sent overseas to stay at an endless array of hotels. Never having the time to meet anyone or consider starting a family. He would just keep living under the radar away from his father and Thor. He knew that there wouldn’t be anything else besides that for him. He didn’t love anyone. He didn’t have any friends. And didn’t have any passions. Everything he tried to do, he normally failed. Or at least failed in the eyes of his family.

He took another step forward, as the water crashed over his black suit pants. The dark fabric clinging to his skin. He ignored the growing discomfort as his body broke into chills, the icy water stinging his skin. He pushed past the feeling, dragging himself deeper past the crashing waves, even as his clothes started to weigh him down. His once-crisp office shirt was nearly transparent as it clung to his toned chest. He dropped his head down to his chest, his long black hair covering his face as he let his fingers caress the water. His hands were shaking from the cold, he eventually pushed his hands deep into the water, before following through and diving underneath.

The sounds of the city dissolved around him, as the restful quiet greeted him.

When he emerged, he didn’t know whether it was the salty taste of tears or the ocean over his lips. He turned around before letting himself fall backwards into the water. Submerging into the cold dark depth.

He briefly thought of his shoes, left at the edge of the footpath. He wondered if someone would find them in the morning and think of where he went. He chuckled dryly as he thought of his father finding them on his morning jog. His father’s house wasn’t too far from here, it wasn’t completely impossible, but just unlikely. Especially as the sun was planned to rise within the next four hours or so. He was sure that his dad wouldn’t have shaken off his nightcap by then and gained enough courage to face the outside world.

It was probably going to be a surfer that stumbled upon his belongings. He wondered if the same surfer would find his body.

Loki ducked his head under the water, wanting to shake the fear that crept up his spine at the thought of his death.

He held his head under the water until his lungs burnt, even then he only took in a large breath before throwing himself back under the water again. Screaming into the dark silence as the air was ripped out of his chest.

He was drawn to the quiet and the darkness that surrounded him. His body shook, and his head started to feel lightheaded. He felt heavier with his clothes weighing him down, and the lack of oxygen was making it difficult to fight his way to the surface. He lifted his head back up, relieving his lungs from the sinking feeling as he breathed deeply. His eyes were swimming, the waves wobbling around him as he moved his hands through it, the water looked so dark, like tar with only the moonlight to make it shine.

Loki took in one last deep breath, savouring the feel of his racing heartbeat and the cold air on his cheeks. He was finished here, he figured. There wasn’t anything else in the world that mattered to him. Nothing that he wanted to do or prove. This is all that he needed to do now.

Letting his eyes fall shut, Loki threw himself forward. As he was about to hit the water, he heard a large splash that broke up the relaxing rhythm of the crashing shore.

Loki burst up from the water, looking for the source of the sound. He caught sight of rippling water and the churned-up waves. He looked above, seeing the cliff that led to a lookout point. He started to swim, chasing after the rippling waves. His heart kicking faster as he hurried towards the sound. The thought of death left his mind, as he caught sight of fabric drifting to the surface.

He caught sight of long dark hair, as a body floated to the surface. Loki quickly reached out, grabbing the body as he hauled it up. Rolling it over and holding their head above water as he prayed, they weren’t dead. The first thing he noticed was how pale their skin looked. He started dragging them back towards the shore, as he held her close to him. The dress she wore was heavy, and Loki’s body was already deprived of oxygen and fatigued from paddling so quickly that he struggled to keep her and himself afloat.

The waves were crashing harder around them, as each wave threaten to pull her out of his grip. He fought against the water as he dragged her towards the shore. He threw a glance back at the girl as he caught a better look at her. She seemed so young that it made his heart clench uncomfortably. He didn’t want to think what thoughts could have caused her to jump.

Loki was exhausted by the time he reached the shore, his whole body running on adrenaline as he dragged the girl onto the beach. Not stopping until her body was lying on the soft sand well away from the water. He stood back and stared down at her, feeling instantly concerned when she wasn’t moving. He noticed a trail of blood behind him, a stream that continued back to the ocean. He looked back at her, inspecting her all over for a wound.

He kneeled by her side, as he hesitantly reached for her arm which seemed to be bent at a strange angle. As he lifted it, he saw the radius bone protruding from her flesh, her arm moving without resistance from the bone. He dropped it, feeling like vomiting as he retched at the sight.

He blinked back at her, feeling tears sting in his eyes. He looked past her arm, as he hesitantly pressed two shaking fingers underneath her jaw to feel her pulse. He waited, needing to hear the beat. Trying to discern between hers and his. Even as a couple of seconds passed. He nearly gave up, when he suddenly felt a faint push under his fingers.

He dug into his pocket, trying to find his phone. Before he realised that it was soaked right through.

He looked across the beach, praying for someone to be walking past. There was no one in sight, so he gave her a final look before he stood and shed his suit jacket, delicately lying it over her body before running towards the main street.

He reached the main road and started to call out for anyone. After a moment where he felt like all hope was lost, he spotted a couple on the other side of the street, walking hand in hand. He ran to them, crossing the four-lane road, and scaring them as he started to scream. “Phone. I need a phone.”

The man bulked out his chest, trying to intimidate him. But Loki didn’t give a shit. He had taken enough beatings from Thor, to not be afraid of someone bigger than him. “Please, it’s an emergency. I need an ambulance.” He tried to explain as quickly as possible.

It was the girl that passed him her phone, with an uncomfortable smile.

Loki dialled the emergency number, before pushing it to his ear. He only waited a moment before someone answered him. He gave as much detail as he could, before giving the phone back to the lady, with the emergency responder still on the line. Loki rushed back across the road, racing down to the beach and collapsing beside the stranger’s side. He didn’t want her to be out of his sight. He couldn’t face it if she disappeared.

He could still hear the rhythmic crashing of the waves as they crept up the shore. He threw a glance towards the dark greedy water that nearly claimed her body and his. Its once peaceful presence was now merely a haunting reminder of the fragility of life.

A few moments later, the couple found him on the beach. The lady still on the phone, as they gasped at the sight of the unconscious girl’s beaten-up body.

Loki reached out for the girl’s hand, on her uninjured arm, taking it in his. She felt as cold as the ocean, it made him think about how cold his body would have been by now.

In under fifteen minutes, an ambulance arrived. Doctors spilling out onto the beach, as they hauled the girl onto a stretcher. Loki didn’t leave her side, even as they loaded her into the back of the ambulance. He was about to jump in with the doctors when the couple from earlier spoke out to him.

“Figured these are yours?” The man asked, holding out Loki’s pair of dress shoes. The ones that he had purposely left out on the street.

“Thank you.” He stated, his voice hoarse as he took them with trembling fingers.

He gave the couple a polite nod, as the ambulance sped off. The engine cutting through the early morning as Loki continued to stare into the stranger’s peaceful face.

-

Loki was surprised when the hospital staff started treating him for hypothermia. Keeping him wrapped in blankets and feeding him warm beverages. He patiently waited throughout the early morning, needing to hear whether they had saved her. Not able to catch a wink of sleep.

It was pushing into seven in the morning when a doctor found him.

“Jane’s stable, we’ve successfully operated on her arm and put it into a cast. Unfortunately, we have induced a coma, to make sure that there are no bleeds in her brain. We are running CT scans and looking for any signs of head trauma. We won’t know until this afternoon. Besides that, you are okay and cleared to go. You may leave your name and number at the front desk, and they can follow up with you on how your friend’s recovering if you like.”

“Jane?” Was the first thing Loki said, blinking at the doctor in confusion. “How do you know her name?” He wondered. She didn’t have a bag or pockets when he found her, he couldn’t possibly understand how they knew who she was.

“Her partner reported her missing ten hours ago, and was notified when someone matching her description was checked in.” The doctor explained. “She is going to be well cared for from here on out. There is no need for you to be concerned.”

Loki didn’t want that. He needed to know whether she was going to okay. “Wait, her partner?” He questioned.

“Sir, if you don’t know this patient, then I must ask you to return home.” The doctor urged, nodding his head politely before disappearing down the hall.

Loki took his leave, tugging on his semi-dried clothes, as he slid his feet into his returned shoes. He couldn’t ignore the uncomfortable feeling that crept around his chest, as he left the girl, Jane. He didn’t want to think that her partner, could have been the reason that she jumped.

Loki didn’t have anyone, whereas she at least had someone.

The man left the hospital, returning to his quiet apartment.

He collapsed on his mattress, staring up at the ceiling. The sun streaming brightly through the curtain, when all he wanted to do was sleep.


	2. Chapter Two

It had been a month since Loki tried to drown himself at the beach. He hadn’t managed to bring himself to attempt suicide since. Not without his thoughts being plagued by Jane’s empty expression and the feel of her cold skin. It left an eery feeling in his gut, and he couldn’t shake how terrified he was for the life of a stranger, let alone if it was someone he had known. It was a feeling that he didn’t wish on anyone. Not even his father or Thor. 

Loki was running on his treadmill, as the sun started scraping over the horizon as the night crept closer. He didn’t think anything of it when his new phone buzzed with a message. He carelessly opened it. Doing a double take, when he noticed it was Thor’s number.

He hadn’t received a message from his brother in years, normally if there was something business-related to talk about, Loki would get a message from their assistant. She tended to be Switzerland between them.

Loki stopped his run, turning his curiosity and attention to the message from Thor.

 **Thor** : _I have news to share with the family. Please attend dinner tomorrow at our father’s home at 7. Don’t bring anyone or anything with you._

The dark-haired man chuckled, he was so tempted to bring a stripper and a cheap bottle of wine just to piss his brother off. He sent a quick reply agreeing to attend before he slipped his phone back into his pocket and continued his workout.

Soon after, Loki was showered and dress. He was sitting at the kitchen table, slowly making his way through a bottle of wine as he flicked through dinner options on his phone. He felt so lonely being cooped up in such an overly large and grand apartment that he rarely visited. Even though he wasn’t earning anywhere near as much as Thor, being sensible and saving his money, left him enough to buy a place that he didn’t really need or want.

Due to his international work, Loki rarely spent more than a month at a time at his apartment. He had only just returned from Singapore a few days prior and he was sure that it wouldn’t be long until he was needed elsewhere sometime soon.

Loki ordered something simple, settling on a nearby Thai place that he enjoyed. He dropped his phone on the table, moving his way across the open living space with his glass in hand. He kneeled by the stereo system he had, choosing to listen to a groovy jazz CD that almost made him dance each time he heard it.

As the first few notes started, Loki stood turning it up as he returned to the table. He filled up his glass, just as he caught sight of his phone lighting up with a new message.

With clumsy drunken dexterity, he opened the message. He squinted at the screen, starting to feel the effects of drinking half a bottle of wine as the words swam before him.

 **Aimee** : _You free tonight?_

He sighed deeply, looking across his empty home for a moment. Wondering how her timing could be any more perfect.

 **Loki** : _For you? Of course._

Within the next hour, Loki had eaten dinner, finished off the wine and had Aimee straddling his hips. She traced a painted nail across his jaw, as she kissed his cheek. “It’s been too long, my dear.” She whispered.

Loki sighed, letting his eyes fall closed as her gentle caress relaxed him. “I know. I’m sorry.”

She chuckled loudly, causing Loki to open his eyes again as he took in her crinkling blue eyes. “It’s okay. But maybe…” Her finger traced down his throat and wedged into the collar of his button-up shirt. “You can make it up to me?” She quirked an eyebrow in suggestion.

He gave her a smug smile, before wrapping his hands around her waist and lifting her up before laying her down onto the couch. She squeaked in delight, as he slid himself between her thighs and laid himself across her lithe body. “What did you have in mind?” He asked, toying with her.

She groaned, throwing her head back as she sunk her teeth into her lip. “Are you going to make me beg for it?”

He chuckled, knowing that she was playing it up as an act. He knew that she had a collection of partners, of men and women waiting at her door. He was just another person in the mix. She liked to keep her options open and Loki had never loved her, so he couldn’t care less what she chose to do with her time or her body.

He traced his fingers up her bare thighs, moving his hands underneath her skirt as he pulled down her underwear. She giggled, running her hands through his hair as she spread her legs wider for him. She sat up, reaching for his belt as she unclasped his trousers and shoved them down along with his underwear as she urged him on.

He aligned their hips together, before sliding inside her. She made an array of noises, clawing onto his shoulder as he set up a steady pace. She shut her eyes, throwing her head back and moaning. Loki let his eyes drift to her eyelids, taking in the intricate detail across her skin. Black ink lined her lashes, with swipes of purple creeping in from the side. He wondered how long she took to get ready for this night. Or whether she had just finished up with someone else and this was her second stop of the night.

He suddenly felt like a prick and decided to shut his eyes. If only to stop thinking about the girl underneath him.

He let his mind think of bare skin and warm hands exploring across his body. Feeling the gentle glide of soft lips over his, with dark eyes staring into his with red lips parting with a gasp. He imagined wringing out an assortment of delicious sounds from her throat and running his fingers across her slender neck. He imagined the feel of her breasts brushing against his chest, feeling the heat from their skin. He saw dark hair curling around his hand, as he thought of tightened his hold on it. Pulling at the strands as her head tilted back to reveal those hypnotic dark eyes.

Loki swallowed thickly, as he felt himself near climax. He couldn’t hear Aimee anymore, as he traded in reality for his fantasy. Chasing after the relief that his mystery girl could bring him. He grunted as he picked up his pace. He thought of that dark hair, the soft strands spread around her beautiful face. He opened his eyes, finding Aimee twisting up in pleasure, her mouth open and her head thrown back. Loki looked over her short blonde hair, wondering if she’d dye it for him. It was probably a ridiculous thing to ask.

He suddenly pulled out, hiding his smirk at the sounds of her protesting. He flipped her around, as she planted her hands on the arm of the couch, holding herself up as Loki sided up behind her, tracing his hand along her spine before thrusting back inside her.

She whined, clenching tightly onto the couch. Loki reached forward, tangling his fist around her hair before yanking it back as he stretched out her throat, silencing her gasps. He pounded his hips deep inside her, holding her hip tightly as he chased after his orgasm. He moaned deeply, suddenly stilling as his stomach clenched. His eyes slid shut, as the woman of his fantasy found him again. He suddenly blinked his eyes open, as he realised who he was seeing.

From her wide dark eyes, he knew it was Jane.

He shook his head, trying to clear the thought as he was washed in ice cold water. Remembering the crashing waves that drowned his lungs. He grunted, wrapping an arm around Aimee’s waist, hauling her up against his chest as he moved his other hand to clench around her throat. 

“Loki-“ She gasped.

He was swimming, feeling the ache in his muscles as he continued to thrust into the girl. While he hauled Jane’s body across the waves, his fingers feeling numb as he clung to her body. Not daring to let go, his hand tightened around Aimee’s throat. He was going to do it. He really was going to kill himself that night. Out in the sea, this time it had felt right.

He plummeted his hips forward, snapping up inside her as he breathed harshly across her shoulder. “Loki ah-“ She gasped, “Stop-“

He could feel the pain stretching across his shoulders, forcing his taut muscles to work harder as he screwed his eyes shut. Gritting his teeth as he fucked into her.

Aimee shouted as she came, clinging onto his arm as her inner walls tightened around his cock. Keeping him buried inside her as he followed soon after. His pleasure didn’t last long, as he started to feel sick. He pulled out, pulling his underwear and pants back on as Aimee remained kneeling on the couch. Seeming quieter than usual.

Loki ran a hand through his hair, trying to fight the guilty feeling that sunk in his stomach as he tried to deny the fact that he came to the thought of Jane underneath him. Of some random stranger that nearly died in his arms.

It wasn’t the first time that he thought of her during sex, but it was the first time that he didn’t realise it was happening until it was too late.

“We didn’t even make it to the bed.” Aimee laughed dryly, sitting up beside him.

He shrugged, “Guess not.”

She sighed, before standing up and tugging her underwear back on. Loki kept his eyes firmly planted on the ground, not wanting to stare at her. He didn’t want to start finding unnecessary similarities between her and Jane.

“Should I go?” Aimee asked awkwardly, standing there gently tracing over her bruised throat.

Loki was wondering if she was going to go for three guys in a night. He quickly shook off that thought and stood up. “You can stay if you like?” He offered, “I’ll pour us more wine.”

He turned to leave for the kitchen when her hand touched his arm. “No, I’m fine. I might go.”

“Okay.” Loki murmured.

She gave him a tight smile, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his lips. She wrapped her arms around his neck, drawing him towards her body, as he stood there numbly. She slid her tongue across his lips, tempting him to take charge. But he merely stepped back.

“Until next time then.” He smiled.

She gave him a funny look, before collecting her handbag and leaving the apartment.

Loki continued to make his way into the kitchen, opening a new bottle and pouring himself another glass to take to bed with him. He piled up the cushions and sat back against them as he lounged in bed. He savoured the red wine on his tongue, letting his eyes fall closed. He was sorting through the unfamiliar feelings in his gut, he felt guilty for imagining someone that he didn’t know. When he was sure that this was a common place practice for most men, but they were mostly imagining pornstars and celebrities. But he was caught up thinking about a stranger that he only met once, someone that wasn’t even conscious and would never get the chance to meet him.

The hours drifted by, and eventually, Loki fell asleep. His wine spilling into the crisp white sheets as he passed out still dressed in his suit.

-

It was scrapping over to eight o’clock when Loki stumbled out of a nearby bar and knocked on the front door of his father’s house. He spared a stray moment to straighten the sleeves of his black suit jacket.

As he waited for someone to answer the door, he was forced to take in the ugly slab of concrete and hard edges that was their father’s house. It wasn’t their family home from their childhood, they used to live somewhere on the outsides of the city. Somewhere that their mum could sleep and not stress about traffic or the noise. It was someplace safe where children could play cricket on the streets and climb over each other’s fences. Nothing like these tall fences, and deep ponds that made Loki uncomfortable to be around.

The door swung open and Loki plastered on a friendly smile, “Hey.” He greeted Thor, taking in his broad shoulders and short blonde hair. “Hair cut?” Loki asked.

Thor glared at him, “You’re late.”

The younger brother shrugged, “Yeah, that happens.”

The awkwardness swamped them, it clung uneasily around their uncomfortable smiles and avoiding eyes. They never really got along. There was a brief period in time when Loki was old enough and Thor was still young enough that they could bond over having the same interests. But Thor soon grew out of it.

It didn’t help that their father tended to put them against each other. At the end of the day, Thor was always the one that won whatever meaningless competition their father had. It didn’t matter who got the best grades, or who ran the fastest. After everything, Thor was still standing before Loki with his father’s approval, with a promising future and a family that he could rely on.

“Everyone’s in the kitchen.” Thor stated, shutting the door behind Loki, and leading him further down the long corridor. It wasn’t like Loki hadn’t been here before, but he was never trusted to find any rooms without guidance. Like he couldn’t be trusted. It just worked wonders to remind Loki how much closer Thor was to their father than he was.

Loki followed after Thor, taking his time and letting his eyes linger across the hollow and lifeless art that stained the walls. Photo frames of unfamiliar smiling faces and holidays that he never knew about.

It had been a year since Loki last saw his brother and about another year since he saw his father. Loki was torn between absolutely hating his father, and just not giving a shit. After all, he didn’t really know him.

Rounding the corner, Loki found his father, sitting at the dinner table, still eating away at the dinner that Loki was late for. The younger brother couldn’t hide his smirk at the sight. He wasn’t surprised, his father was a hard bastard.

“Hey, dad.” He muttered, not holding any warmth to his words as his eyes drifted across the dining space towards a lady that had her back to him. Loki figured it was going to be another gorgeous and vacuous woman that gained his idiotic brother’s attention.

“You’re late.” Loki’s father grumbled, turning to stare at him. Not bothering to stand from his seat.

The younger man sent him a grin, stifling the chuckle that threatened to spill from his lips. He might have had a bit too much to drink, a lot more than he was used to. Yet, no more than he normally would when in his family’s presence. It was just impossible to do this sober. 

Loki looked up as he heard his name being briefly mentioned between Thor and his lady friend. Loki turned to them, as he watched her pour him a full glass of red wine.

Perfect, he thought, more wine.

He figured that if they had known how much he had to drink tonight, or how many bottles of wine he got through each week, that they wouldn’t have offered any to him in the first place.

Loki had a nice view of Thor’s lady’s behind, and he shameless dragged his eyes down her figure.

“Where were you?” Odin asked from the table.

“Got caught up. Lost track of time. Hit by a car, whatever you like.” Loki shrugged as an excuse. He figured that whatever reason he had it still wouldn’t have made a difference. He found that lying to his father came too naturally.

As Loki heard two sets of footsteps approaching, he already had a polite smile set over his lips as he turned to take the wine glass from the lady’s outstretched hand. As his fingers circled around the glass, and a ‘thank you’ was perched on the edge of his tongue. He looked up at her.

His eyes settled on her soft features and crinkling eyes, taking in the gentle curve of her lips and the dark tangle of her hair.

“Hi Loki, it’s lovely to meet you.” She said, placing a hand on his arm, as Loki noticed the other being tied up in a sling. “I’m Jane.”


	3. Chapter Three

Loki’s brain stopped working, as everything around him stalled to a halt.

The smile that was set on his face, slowly fell as he was taken back to the beach. To a moment that kept creeping up on him, elbowing into his dreams and echoing around his mind. He was back at the beach, holding onto her shoulder as he dragged her across the crashing waves. Clinging onto her hand as he waited for the ambulance. Fighting the fear that stabbed in his gut that she would die.

And here she was, smiling and standing before him, offering him his poison.

“It’s a pleasure.” He managed to choke out, as he offered another faltering smile. He couldn’t stop his eyes from drifting down her body, fixating on her broken arm. The memory of the bloodied bone protruding from her flesh made him feel sick.

“Ah, this.” She gestured, “I uh, fell down the stairs. I knew you were going to ask.”

“I wasn’t.” He said a bit too quickly, realising too late that it came across as a bit rude.

She tilted her head at him, before gesturing to the table. “Please, let’s eat.” She said, smiling again. Not a single hint of sadness or worry in sight.

Loki followed her to the table, staring at the nicely presented dishes that lined the overly large marble table. He felt a pang of guilt in his gut as he took in the unexpected home cook meal before him. It brought warmth to the normally cold and uncomfortable table. He looked across the spread, noticing that Odin’s plate was the only one filled. Thor and Jane must have waited for him. He had never seen his brother wait for him, so he figured it was Jane’s doing.

The younger brother swallowed thickly before taking a seat at the end of the table, facing his father with Jane and Thor at his sides. Jane proceeded to serve out food on Loki’s plate, then Thor’s and then her own. Balancing the food confidentially in a pair of tongs.

Loki couldn’t seem to look away from her, he kept doing double-takes. It just didn’t seem possible, that this could be the same woman who tried to die only a month before. He knew that this dinner would have gone a lot more difference if she had died. If he had also died, Loki thought grimly. Thor would have lost two people in his life on the same night. Although Loki doubted his death would have even crossed his brother’s mind.

“So, what have you been up to?” Thor asked his brother politely. Stabbing at the roasted vegetables Jane made. Loki stared at him for a beat too long, surprised by Thor’s attempt at small talk. They rarely chatted, let alone talked about anything pleasant.

“Nothing much.” Loki mumbled, sparing a glance back at Jane. Almost expecting to see the same vacant stare that he did on the beach.

Jane smiled widely, “I hear you travel a lot.” She said, looking up at Loki. “That must be exciting.”

Loki looked into her dark eyes, feeling his heart flutter at the sight of her beautiful expression turned on him. She had such an inviting gaze, it was almost hard to look away.

“It’s just for work.” He muttered, ducking his head as he took a bite of roasted potato.

Odin cleared his throat, “Settled down yet?” He asked, making Loki’s gut feel like it was being turned inside out. He didn’t want to have this conversation, not now. Not with Jane only a few centimetres away from him. “Or are you still whoring around?”

Loki blinked uncomfortably, “That’s none of your business.” He stated, sending a firm glare towards his father. Odin hid his smirk by taking another sip of his wine.

The table was swamped with an uncomfortable silence, as Loki chanced a look towards Jane trying to see what she was thinking. He could only assume that she was just as disgusted as his father was about his lack of committed relationships.

Yet she seemed surprisingly neutral, not offended but not overly excited to find out the answer anyway. It was Thor who stabbed through the silence by knocking over his wine and spilling it across the marble table.

Loki sprung up to avoid getting soaked in wine, he reached out for the serviettes in the centre of the table, before he noticed Jane already offering some to him. He took the offered serviettes as his fingers brushed against hers.

He ignored the jolt of electricity that burnt through his arm as he helped mop up the mess. He was genuinely surprised that he wasn’t the one that had spilt the wine, considering he was already a whole bottle into the night.

“Sorry,” Thor apologised embarrassingly, moving to the kitchen to get more serviettes.

Jane placed a hand on Thor’s arm, “It’s okay, honey. I’ll get them.”

Loki flinched at the endearment. He knew that she was here with Thor, but he wasn’t quite ready to fully understand what the nature of their relationship was. He numbly returned to his seat, downing the rest of his wine to distract his racing mind from the thoughts that he shouldn’t be having.

“I know someone single.” Odin disclosed, raising an eyebrow at Loki.

Loki pressed his lips together firmly, “I’m not interested.”

“Is this Jennifer that I was telling you about?” Thor asked as he returned to his seat.

The younger brother cursed under his breath, the last thing he wanted was for his father and brother to try and set him up with a stranger. He didn’t need their help to find someone. 

Odin smiled widely, “Yes, she’s a lovely lady. She’s been assisting at the St Paul office.”

Thor nodded in agreement, “She’s really great.”

Loki ran a hand down his face, “Thanks, uh, but I don’t want to date anyone right now.” He urged.

“Well, when you’re ready, I suppose.” Jane inputted, returning to her seat with another bottle of wine. She indicated at Loki’s glass, and he gave her a slight nod, unable to stop his smile from spreading as she poured his glass.

“You’re a thirty-five-year-old man, you’re ready to settle down.” Odin grunted, the muscles around his jaw twitched as Loki felt his blood turn cold. “I’ve already arranged the occasion. This Saturday at six, you will meet her at the Regent Hotel restaurant.” 

“I’m busy.” Loki lied, shuffling back in his seat.

Odin frowned, “I assume that you are enjoying your little apartment on the north side?” He questioned, the look in his eyes showed that he didn’t expect an honest answer.

“You don’t own my home.” Loki grumbled, clenching his hand into a fist underneath the table. “I paid for it myself.” 

“No, I don’t.” His father agreed, “But I do own your reputation.”

Loki inhaled deeply, the anger burning up in his chest as he struggled to come up with something to say. He knew that his father wasn’t messing around. He had a way of gossiping around the city, and sharing secrets and lies that could crumble business rivalries and disobedient sons.

“Fine.” Loki murmured quietly, reaching out desperately for his wine glass as he gulped it down eagerly.

He stared down at his lap, as he could feel Jane’s curious eyes resting on him.

“Fantastic, your mother would be so proud.” Odin grinned, sprinkling the sugar on top as Loki gritted his teeth.

Loki wanted to dissolve into the ground underneath him, he was wanted to go somewhere free from his father’s piercing gaze and his brother’s intimidating presence.

They continued to eat their dinner, making small remarks and empty compliments. Loki struggled to finish off his wine, his head already swimming from the many he had before. It did help him relax though, as he managed to look at his father and not feel like running to the nearest beach.

As everyone finished off their meal, Thor suddenly stood from the table.

Loki had to forcefully stop himself from rolling his eyes, he knew that his brother had a weakness for theatrics.

“I uh, well you know I brought everyone here because I had something special to share with the family.” Thor’s blue eyes landed on Jane, as she shrunk in the seat. Looking embarrassed by everyone’s attention. “Jane and I, we’re getting married.”

They were congratulated by a scatter of applause, as Jane blushed furiously. Distracting herself by clearing the table. Loki stopped listening, as his father went on about some stupid family tradition and suggested a variety of venues.

Loki felt like he was falling back into an endless pit, unable to keep up or hold onto a single thought for long enough to encourage his tongue to work around a sentence. He struggled to say something that wouldn’t show how upset or disappointed he was, even though that was all that was rattling around in his head. He knew that before he wouldn’t have cared less about who his brother married but knowing that it was Jane seemed to change everything.

He stood up awkwardly, deciding to assist Jane with the dishes as he caught a few words from Odin and Thor’s conversation. Knowing that they had moved on to talking about boring business, nothing that mattered to him.

Loki carried a few plates and placed them on the counter. Jane was on the other side, struggling to pour the leftovers into a container with only one working hand. Loki continued around the bench, taking the plate out of her hand. “Let me help.” He murmured, as she stepped back.

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that.” Jane said, sending him another brilliant smile.

“I don’t mind.” Loki shrugged.

She started to load up the plates into the dishwasher, while Loki moved onto the next dish.

He held his breath as Jane neared him, reaching across the counter to grab a stray glass. She rocked back on her heel before sliding the glass into the top of the dishwasher. He leaned back against the bench, letting his eyes follow her movement. “Congratulations.” He told her softly.

She smiled warmly, “Thank you.” She finished up the rest of the plates, as Loki sealed the lid on the container. “I hope it can take a bit of the pressure off you to find a partner.”

He chuckled, “I don’t know if he’ll help much, but thanks anyway.” He shrugged.

“Well, it’s something to look forward to anyway.” She grinned, “You’ll come to our wedding, yes?” She asked. Pinching her lips together in thought, “It’s just Thor wasn’t too sure that you’d come.”

He took in a deep breath, “I’m not sure yet.” He shrugged, turning to face her as he caught sight of a dribble of blood falling from under her nose. “Shit.” Loki worried, “You’re bleeding.”

Her eyes widen, as she ran two fingers over her lips. Looking at the blood staining her fingertips. “Oh sorry.” She blushed.

He gathered a few paper towels from the counter and pressed them under her nose. The harsh paper felt too coarse for her soft skin. Loki gently grabbed her arm, “Come here.” He said, before leading her down the hallway. The lights were switched off, and Loki couldn’t help but feel like he was disappearing with her. He briefly thought of how both of their bodies would have drifted into the dark sea together, only a few meters from each other.

He shook off the stupid thought, as he showed Jane to the bathroom. She hissed as he flicked on the light. “Sorry, I get really bad headaches.” She mumbled, screwing her eyes shut.

“Sorry, I’ll turn it off.” Loki said, flicking on a small sidelight beside the mirror and turning off the bright overhead light. The room was bathed in a warm glow, as Jane sighed taking a seat on the toilet lid.

Loki bundled up a ball of toilet paper, swapping it with the scrunched-up paper towels Jane had under her nose. “Thank you.” She smiled at him, wiping at the blood that spread across her lips. “It’s been happening more, ever since I had my accident.” She mumbled.

“The stairs?” Loki asked, knowing it was a lie.

She nodded, “Yeah, I was wearing these uh ridiculous heels and I never should have attempted going downstairs after a few too many drinks-“

Loki got distracted, he was staring down at her as she talked. Focusing on the way her lips moved, his thoughts drifted towards a fantasy that he had not too long ago. It was of her painted red lips, parting as she kneeled before him. Her mouth only a few centimetres from his belt.

“That’s a bad idea.” He mumbled, dragging his eyes away from her, as felt his blood rush south.

The wine was making him feel a lot freer in his thoughts and fantasy. He could feel the warmth radiating from her body in the small bathroom, and he wondered what could be any worse, sitting at the table with his family or cooped up in the bathroom with the girl of his dreams that was soon to be his sister-in-law.

“Is it something I said?” She asked, her dark eyes heavy with worry.

“What?” Loki asked, looking back at her. “No uh, I didn’t- sorry I didn’t hear what you said.” He fumbled.

She looked down, getting a new bundle of tissues from near the sink as she leaned forward. Her dress moved up her legs, revealing the bare skin on her tanned thighs as she reached out. He found himself distracted again, as his eyes were glued to her body. It was impossibly hot underneath his suit and his fingers tingled with the urge to reach out and touch her. She pushed even further forward, causing her dress to move up another few centimetre. Loki's stomach pinched cold, as he took in the fresh dark bruises over her thigh, the defined detail of a handprint was marred into her skin.

Soon he was burning for an entirely different reason. He was used to seeing marks like that, he had left a few on Aimee’s body. He knew that they weren’t created from falling down the stairs or even throwing yourself off a cliff. They were carefully calculated and left without remorse. Loki’s stomach clenched, as he speculated if it was his brother’s handiwork. Grimly, he wondered if it ran in the family.

Jane returned to her spot, leaning her head back as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “I uh, was just saying that I was dying for another night out. But I guess you’re right. I shouldn’t push myself. I’m already struggling with this heavy mess.” She grumbled, indicating to the cast surrounding her arm.

“Oh no. God no,” Loki urged, “I didn’t mean to tell you not to go out. You deserve a great night out. Something way better than this. You need like a disco.” He stated.

She smirked at him, “A disco? You make it sound like a school dance.”

He chuckled, seeing the playfulness return to her eyes. “Yeah, a school disco sounds fun. I think I know of a few.”

She rolled her eyes, “Great! I’ll get my mum to sign my permission slip and spend the whole night waiting for you to ask me to dance.”

“Waiting for me?” He asked, a smile creeping over his lips as she failed to mention her fiancé at their imaginary dance. “No, I wouldn’t let you wait. We’ll dance the whole time. To the Nutbush and then to the time warp. There’s no song I won’t dance to.”

She giggled at the ridiculous idea, as she felt her nosebleed slow down. She wiped away most of the blood with the tissue, before moving to her feet and binning the mess. She rolled her eyes at him, as she turned on the sink. “I can’t imagine you dancing to the time warp.” She told him, before ducking her head to the sink and washing away the remaining blood.

Loki got some more tissues for her when she stood back up. Accepting his offering as she dried up her nose. “I can dance.” He told her, “I’ll have to show you sometime.” He promised.

She raised an eyebrow at him, “I just can’t imagine it. You look way too proper.” She bit her lip, as she realised her words were a bit harsh. “Sorry, I mean I think you’d dance like ballroom stuff. Not modern.”

He shrugged a shoulder, “Guess we’ll have to go to that school disco to find out.” He said, holding out a hand to her.

She took it, trying to hide a smile from creeping over her lips.

With her hand in his, he led her out of the bathroom and slowly back towards the kitchen. He loved the feel of her hand in his, his chest was feeling all warm and tingly after their private chat.

As they neared the end of the corridor, Loki suddenly stopped and turned back around to face her. He nearly backed out when he saw the startled and hopeful look written across her beautiful face. He lifted her hand up, pushing against her hip as he spun her around. She giggled unexpectedly, as she wobbled on her legs. He caught her waist, as her body fell into his. He continued to stare at her, even after the momentum was lost. Her cheeks were tinted pink, as he stared into her eyes. “See?” He whispered, his eyes flickering across her lips briefly. 

He couldn’t believe that he almost lost her. Before he even knew her.

“Uh, I should-“ She stepped back out of his hold as she continued down the corridor.

Loki followed after her, not caring that he was unashamedly flirting with his brother’s fiancé. 

“-Sounds amazing. I’d love to travel. I’ve never left the country.” Jane stated, louder than necessary, as she and Loki returned to the kitchen.

Loki caught sight of Thor’s questioning eyes, as they narrowed on the two of them.

Jane started carrying the food containers to the fridge before Loki offered her a hand. Since she couldn’t really carry it all with one hand anyway. 

“Really?” Loki asked, “You’ve never left the country.”

She nodded, keeping her lips pressed tight.

Loki watched as she returned to the dining table, stealing Loki’s seat as she placed her hand protectively in Thor’s, sending him a loving smile that had Loki’s gut-twisting uncomfortably.


	4. Chapter Four

The night drew on as Thor had his father engaged by an elaborate story about what happened in the office recently. Thor’s animated eyes, lighting up as he talked about how he solved the stock crisis for their company.

Odin was grinning widely, patting a hand proudly on his eldest son’s back.

Loki was sinking deep into his chair, letting his eyes drift across the room. Before they occasionally brushed across Jane, who was sitting and watching intently to the conversation. He caught the faint trace of confusion denting her brow, as Thor discussed the more detailed and complicated facts in his story.

“How about you Loki?” Odin asked suddenly, throwing all the attention towards him, as Jane’s searching gaze, caught him staring at her.

“Uh, I had a bit of trouble with a reseller in Singapore.” Loki shrugged, not really interested in talking about work. Especially with his boss.

Odin hummed, “I forgot you were in Singapore.”

“Really?” Loki picked, “I didn’t think you cared to know where I go in the first place.”

“I try to know these things for the company.” Odin clarified, with a gesture of his hand.

“Right, that makes sense,” Loki grumbled. “All for the company. Who the fuck cares about anything else?”

Odin sighed like he was already sick of talking to Loki. “You know that’s not true. Why else would we have gathered here today?”

The air in the room shifted, as Odin’s eyes narrowed pointedly.

“Is it to criticise me?” Loki asked with fake curiosity.

“I do not criticise.”

“Yes, you do, you think I’m wasting my life.” The younger man insisted.

Odin cleared his throat, “Don’t be immature Loki.”

“I’m not being immature, I’m being honest.”

“Please, Loki. Now isn’t the time.” Thor cut in, “This was meant to be a special occasion, to share my special news.”

“This is a special occasion?” Loki asked, feeling the heat rise in his chest. He thought that he would have gotten used to his family’s lack of celebration for most holidays and anniversaries. Even just a few weeks ago, Christmas remained silent not that Loki expected to get a phone call or any cards from his family. He glared at Thor from across the table before letting his eyes burn into his father’s. “How about my birthday a month ago? Wasn’t that special?”

Odin sighed exhaustedly, “Something that happens every year isn’t special. You’re no longer a child Loki.” 

Loki thought back to where he was a month ago, standing in the ocean with a heavyweight in his chest. Another year without anyone caring about him. He was ready to leave everything behind him. “You’re right.” Loki shrugged, “Who the fuck cares-“

“Loki! Language.” Odin chastised.

“-Congratulations Thor, I really hope you are so fucking-“

“I won’t say it twice!”

“-happy. You truly deserve all the love and praise you receive.” Loki mocked.

The table fell silent, as Jane shuffled awkwardly, drawing Loki’s eyes towards her. He felt a pang of guilt bury into his chest. But he needed to say it to his family. He couldn’t keep denying and lying to himself that it didn’t fucking hurt when his family forgot about him. He nearly killed himself, because of them. It was time that they knew how much they were hurting him.

“My apologies, Jane.” Loki murmured softly, as the silence stretched on uncomfortably long.

“No, it’s fine.” She smiled gently, “I say, fuck, a lot too.”

Thor and Odin gave her a stern glare, which sent her sinking further back into her chair.

Loki couldn’t hide the smile from his face, as he heard her say it. Christ, he wanted to wrap her up in his arms and never let her go.

The dining room was becoming unbearable as Thor stood stiffly from the table. “Well, I think it's getting pretty late. We best be off. Thanks for having us over dad.”

Everyone stood from the table in agreement, slowly moving towards the front door. Loki gave his father a polite nod, figuring that their argument could pick up on another day. He was dragged into a surprising hug by Thor, even as he remained tensely uncomfortable. “Don’t come to the wedding.” He whispered into Loki’s ear, making his chest sink. Even though Loki expected to be filled with relief, he instead swallowed back the feeling of disappointment.

Loki took a step back, frowning at Thor before he turned his attention to Jane. He was strangely comforted by the sight of her smiling up at him like her special occasion and announcement hadn’t been ruined by him. She seemed completely unaware of all the hatred and anger burning through him. Even though this was a battle that Loki had been fighting ever since he was born.

Jane reached an arm out for a hug, placing it over Loki’s shoulder. He returned her embrace, moving an arm around her waist, before he leaned forward pushing her back as she lost her balance, letting Loki hold her up as he dipped her at Thor’s feet. Her dark hair was spiralling behind her, as it grazed the pavement. He caught the start of a grin sneaking over her mouth, before he dared himself forward, ducking his head and sealing their lips together, stealing a kiss.

Jane made a surprised noise, as Loki pressed his lips over hers. Savouring the feel of her gentle mouth under his. He stood back up, as he felt Thor’s thick fingers stabbing into his shoulders, pulling him back up. He released Jane, leaving her out of breath, as Thor sent a punch flying at his face.

Loki didn’t have time to dodge it and took it solidly to the bridge of his nose. Blinding him with a burst of pain. He cracked up laughing, as he groaned against the pain. “Always a pleasure to see the family.” He grumbled, turning on his heel and waving goodbye.

He could hear Thor’s footsteps quickly following after him before he caught the sweet sound of Jane’s begging voice. He didn’t need to look back to know that he had Thor withering in disgust.

Meanwhile, the pain that spread across Loki’s face felt well worth it for the trade-off for the feeling and memory of Jane’s soft lips against his.

-

The sharp pain across his face seemed to get worse as the night drew on. Loki stumbled his way inside his apartment. Getting an ice pack from the freezer and cracking open a beer from the fridge. He sat at the dining table alternating between tentatively pressing the ice pack to his swollen nose and sneaking sips of his drink.

His head was ringing, the memories of the dinner kept creeping upon him. Seeing his father’s narrowed eyes and feeling his brother’s fist in his face. Then there were the other memories, the feeling of Jane’s eyes on him, the sound of her sweet voice, and the taste of her lips.

Maybe he shouldn’t have kissed her. He thought bleakly, figuring that he would never get the chance to see her again. He was already missing the gentle curve of her smile and watching the nervousness creep across her features. She had a subtle type of beauty, that seemed to have caught Loki off guard.

He sighed, knowing that he had to get himself figured out. He shouldn’t be feeling this way about his brother’s fiancé and some random girl that he has only met twice. One of those times, she wasn’t even conscious. Loki just couldn’t shake the idea that he had never felt this way about a person before. He didn’t want to stuff things up for her, especially after they clicked so well. But that’s exactly what he did. He made her uncomfortable, he could see it in the way her eyes widened moments before Thor’s fist connected to his face. She didn’t appreciate him kissing her, that much was obvious.

Loki couldn’t shake the unnerving reminder that Jane tried to kill herself only a month ago. He couldn’t understand what caused her to walk up to the cliff and throw herself off it. He wondered briefly if it was the dark bruises marking her skin. Wondering if it was his brother that was hurting her.

He knew that he had to try and help her. He knew that there was something off, he caught glimpses into the faint cracks of her façade. Finding the darkness and fear that crept over her beautiful features. There was something wrong. He knew that much.

Loki took the ice pack and what was left of his beer to bed. He kicked off his shoes, undid his belt and removed his clothes. He pulled on a loose pair of pyjama pants, before crawling under the covers and clinging onto the ice pack that eased the pain from his nose.

He caught himself thinking about Jane again, as he felt his chest lighten. He hadn’t felt this carefree in a long time. Normally each night he was greeted by the haunting darkness and the reminder of how alone he was. But it didn’t seem to bother him as much. His thoughts kept circling around Jane.

-

Loki stood in front of his mirror, threading his tie into the Windsor knot. His tired eyes were ringed by a faint dark blue, the bruise that his brother had left him had started to fade quite nicely. He just hoped that it wouldn’t be too noticeable. It was Saturday night, and Loki had ignored Aimee’s texts and hopes to meet up in favour of his date. He didn’t want to start up any more issues with his father and so he reluctantly dressed nicely, styled his hair and made it to the restaurant on time.

He had already sunk a few glasses of red wine before leaving, which left him feeling a subtle buzz. It let his mind relax, as he let his eyes drift across the hotel’s waiting room. He found strangers walking hand in hand with lovers and partners. He wondered why Odin chose this place, out of everywhere they could have gone.

It wasn’t like it was an awful place or anything, in fact, it was a grand and flawless restaurant that offered its customers the option to slip upstairs for the night and leave tomorrow morning instead. Loki had been to a few of the Regent hotels across the city, they weren’t an overseas corporation yet, but Loki had been to so many hotels in his life that he felt like he knew them in and out. And eventually, they all started bleeding into the same mismatch of stone-cold entrances, bright lights, and golden fixtures.

Loki was led through the restaurant, passing tables filled with expensive food and wine. He was seated towards the far wall, beside a statute that towered over the tables surrounding it. His date, Jennifer hadn’t arrived yet. He let himself ease into the seat, flicking through the wine list and already deciding upon a bottle by the time a waiter passed his table.

He ordered the wine, not able to hold off for Jennifer to weigh in the drink option. He just wanted something to fill his glass, if only to give him something to do while he waited.

The night was creeping by slowly, much like how Loki’s week went. It seemed that the world crawled around him when he wanted it to move its fastest. He threw a glance at his watch, finding that it was teetering towards six-thirty. He poured himself another glass of red, taking hearty sips.

He smugly figured that it was his father’s doing that she was arriving late. It would be a reasonable payback for Loki’s tardiness the other night. Loki kept drinking, pouring a few more glasses as the time neared before seven. He decided that it would look better that there was no wine left on the table, compared to a bottle with only half a glass left. He quickly sculled it. Calling a waiter to take away the evidence as the clock struck seven.

He sat up further in his seat, as he watched a petite woman slowly make her way across the restaurant. She was wearing a hideous brown long-sleeved blouse and a long skirt that almost reached her ankles. He knew from her subtle glances towards him, that this had to be Jennifer. He stood as she approached, he held his hand out, taking hers in his as he bent forward to press his lips on the back of her hand. “It’s a pleasure.” He smiled at her, feeling a faint wobble in his step as he slunk back into his seat. The wine was definitely going to his head, and he felt himself giggle a little hysterically. He pushed it down, as her green eyes slid to his with concern.

The nervousness that she held herself with seemed to ease Loki’s worries, as he thought that this dinner could actually be fun. Especially as her cheeks seemed to already be tinted with a shy blush.


	5. Chapter Five

Loki stared across at Jennifer, his brain whirling as he tried to concentrate on what she was saying. They had ordered and were waiting for their food. They had opened up a fresh bottle of wine. Even though Jennifer didn’t seem to be the type of person to drink, Loki couldn’t be stopped as he started on his second glass from the new bottle.

“So how long have you worked for Odinson?” Loki asked, taking a sip of his drink.

She smiled widely, her eyes seeming to light up with memories. “About four months now.”

“Wow, so you’re still quite new and I’ve already heard great things about you.”

Her blush deepened, “Really? I didn’t realise people talked about me.”

He frowned in confusion, “Well yeah, Thor mentioned that you’re great. Got my dad to set us up on a date.” He shrugged. “Right?”

She tucked a strand of dark flat hair behind her ear, “Oh Thor, he uh well he just needed me to send through a few faxes. I guess we got along well, by the sounds of it anyway.”

Loki was struck by an idea, as he noticed the way she seemed to light up at the mention of Thor. He could tell that she was getting lost in her thoughts of him as she spoke. “I’m surprised Thor didn’t just keep you all to himself instead.” Loki commented, delighting in the way that she nervously wrung her wrists.

“Oh no, Thor wouldn’t-“ She gushed, “He is too dedicated to his work.”

He nodded along in mock agreement, “Yeah my brother is very hard working. But he deserves a break, all those long nights at the office.”

She smiled brightly, “Well I wouldn’t mind working late with him.” Her eyes widen in horror, “I mean, his office is just so beautifully furnished that I wouldn’t hate working where he works.” She tried to correct.

Loki wondered if she knew of Thor’s engagement. It was fairly recently, and he didn’t wear a ring yet. He doubted that it was something that would come up naturally in conversation. The dark-haired man grinned at Jennifer with a twisted glint in his eye. “I’m sure Thor would love the extra help. He just needs someone that’s clued up about the ins and outs of the business.” Loki stated, taking another sip of wine. “Someone that’s had the same insights that I’ve had.”

That piqued her interest, “Well maybe,” She started hesitantly, “Perhaps you could teach me a little bit about it, then I might be able to be more helpful around the office.”

This was too easy.

“Sure,” Loki shrugged, “I can help you with that.”

-

Loki made sure that he gave Jennifer the best night of her life. He laughed at her jokes, supplied her with compliments and smiles. She was a giggling mess by the time they polished off the bottle of wine. Loki had just kept topping up her glass, needing her to carry some of the weight as he was sure that he could feel his liver overfilling.

“Are you still interested in learning more about the inner workings of the company?” Loki quirked an eyebrow, as they both stood out the front of the hotel. Her hand caught under his arm, as he kept her standing upright.

She smiled at him widely, “Uh, I don’t know it’s sort of late, isn’t it?”

“It’s not a work night.” Loki replied.

Jennifer nodded in agreement, as Loki led her to a cab that was parked out front. He gave his address, and they sat through the ride. Jennifer rested her head against the glass as she traced her fingers over Loki’s palm. Loki didn’t think anything of it, figuring that the alcohol was making her act on impulse rather than logic.

Loki nestled into the backseat, enjoying the feel of her warm skin gliding against his. It made his stomach flip with anticipation. He was even finding her heavy and conservative clothes to be enticing. Already trying to imagine what was hidden underneath it.

When they arrived at Loki’s elaborate apartment, he almost laughed at the way her eyes widened and took in the steep walls and high ceilings. Loki stood behind her, threading his fingers underneath the collar of her jacket, tugging it off her arms as she numbly complied. Letting it fall into Loki’s hands. He draped her jacket over the small table that was beside the front door.

She was exploring the walls of his home, her eyes searching for something. Loki let her be as he continued through to the kitchen, uncapping a bottle of red and pouring two more glasses. Even as his eyes seemed to blur in front of him and his chest felt pleasantly warm. 

As Loki returned to the lounge room, he found Jennifer flicking through a book that was placed on the coffee table. “Why don’t you have any family photos up?” She wondered, dropping herself onto the couch.

He faltered for a second at the question, before switching on the charm and taking the seat beside her, pressing the wine glass into her hand. “Are you looking for Thor?” He wondered, hiding the judgment from his voice as he peered honestly into her eyes.

She blushed, instinctively sipping on the wine before she frowned down at it. “I think I’ve had enough, actually.” She muttered, leaning forward and placing it on the coffee table.

Loki leaned back against the couch, stretching his arm along the back as his fingertips brushed past her shoulder. She didn’t seem to notice the contact.

“So, the company,” Loki started, nearly grinning like a shark as he saw Jennifer’s interest pique. “Most of our profit comes from the metal sales, but also from our shareholders.” He explained, figuring that she wouldn’t really remember this in detail, so he wasn't risking much by sharing the companies secrets. “You can’t tell anyone I said this, but…” He lowered his voice to a whisper, as he almost had her crawling into his lap to hear. “But Thor mostly deals with the shareholders, he needs someone who can impress them and work out the best way to get them to strengthen their commitment to the company.”

“By like explaining the benefits?” She asked.

He looked across into her green eyes, they seemed more youthful after a handful of drinks. There was a subtle sense of innocence in her gaze, that made him feel a lot older when he stared at her. She had an open and trusting expression, completely hanging off each of his words. Not doubting for a second that he would be after anything more than her company. If only she had known of the type of company he preferred to keep.

His tongue swiped across his lower lip, as he nodded slowly. “Yeah, sometimes all these shareholders need is a wink or a smile.”

She sat up straighter, leaning towards him as she gave him a terrible demonstration of a wink before grinning widely. He chuckled, moving his hand to her arm as he squeezed it reassuringly. “Yeah, just like that.” He complimented. “It’s a job that Thor’s terrible at.”

“Really?” She asked, her lips parting in surprise. “But he’s so charismatic.”

Loki nodded, “I don’t know what to say, he just doesn’t seem to know how to flirt.”

“Flirt?” She asked in confusion, a disbelieving smile creeping over her lips. 

“Yeah,” Loki murmured, “Maybe you should show him how to do it?” He suggested, he was surprised to find that his stomach didn’t twist up in guilt as he tried to put in place the workings for Thor to cheat on Jane. He knew it was a dick move to do, but he just had a feeling that Thor would have cheated on her anyway. It’s better that these things were over and done with before they sat together long enough to get married.

“I don’t even know how to.” She blushed, nervously reaching out for her wine again as she brought it to her lips.

He watched as she drank it down, following the curve of her chin and down to her throat. He swallowed down the sudden urge to suck a bruise into her skin.

“Why don’t you show me?” He shrugged easily, “Pretend I’m Thor, and I’ll let you know if I’d give you the job afterwards?”

She shook her head, chuckling under her breath as she looked back at him with a gentle smile. “I’m going to be so hopeless at this.” She whined, playfully sinking her teeth into her lip.

“I don’t care.” He replied, grabbing her wine as he placed both of their drinks on the coffee table. “Come on, give it a try.”

Jennifer steeled herself, drawing her shoulders back as she fixated her glazed-over eyes on him. She jabbed a hand through her long hair, pushing it behind her ear. “Oh, hi there Thor.” She tried to say seductively. “I’ve got your package here.” She mimed handing over a square box, before looking away from Loki and flicking her hair again over her shoulder.

He bit his lower lip to stop his laugh from escaping, he was genuinely enjoying her naivety. “Thank you, Jennifer.” He whispered, grabbing the imaginary box from her hands as he brushed his fingers across hers. “Was there anything else?” He asked her.

She returned his stare, as she parted her lips to say something. Loki couldn’t stop himself from staring down at her soft plump mouth. “Uh, did you want to get coffee… together?” She nervously asked, a flash of insecurity flashing through her expression.

Loki leaned forward, grabbing her hand in his as his other hand moved to her arm. He held onto her tightly, “I’d love to.”

Relief flooded her features, as she broke out into a series of giggles. “This is stupid.” She murmured, trying to move her hand out of his hold. He gently eased his grip, letting her wring her wrists nervously. Loki kept glaring into her innocent eyes, he leaned forward as she seemed to freeze before him. His hand on her arm, moved up to cup her jaw. He ducked his head forward.

She bolted back, “What are you doing?”

He smirked at her, “It’s okay,” He whispered, tracing his other hand up her leg. Dragging the heavy material of her skirt up above her knee, as his hand brushed against her bare skin. “You can call me Thor if you prefer.” He murmured, as he scrapped his lips against hers.

She gasped, as he slid his mouth over hers. Pressing his lips against hers, as he sucked on her lower lip. He wondered if she had ever been kissed like this, she seemed to be frozen before him, unable to return his affections.

He broke off the kiss, throwing himself at her as he pushed her back against the couch. His mouth sucked kisses down her throat, as his hand moved higher up on her leg, brushing the inside of her thigh. She gasped, as her hands clung onto his shoulders. Loki trailed his hand down between her breasts, following the line of her sternum. She was shaking underneath him, suddenly overcome by an unescapable chill.

Loki sucked a bruise at her collarbone, biting gently into her soft skin. He found a sincere smile sliding over his lips as he found her skin scattered in faint freckles that he hadn’t noticed before.

The hand exploring her chest, move up as his fingers gently caressed her neck before his fingers circled around her throat.

As he applied pressure, she suddenly shoved him off. “Stop. Stop. Stop!” She gasped, her breath puffing out violently as she glared at him, fear widening her eyes.

“Okay.” He agreed, leaning back as he stared at her dishevelled clothes. Finding the large red mark spread across her collarbone, he figured it would darken by the morning. “I’m sorry.” He murmured, not protesting as she straightened her clothes and stood to her feet.

He watched as she grabbed her jacket, and slammed the door shut behind her. He figured that he wouldn’t be hearing back from her again.

He sighed, hoping that at least it would discourage his father from ever interfering with his love life again.

He threw himself back against the couch, digging the heel of his palm into his eyes. He didn’t stop until his vision burst white and a pain dug its way underneath his skin. He groaned loudly, banging his fists against his forehead.

He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He had her wriggling in his hands like putty, and all he could think about was all the different ways that he could hurt her for showing an interest in his brother.

He was twisted, he stared into her naive eyes and actively wanted to hurt her.

Loki reached across the table and grabbed his wine. Draining the glass quickly, before finishing off Jennifer’s as well. He hoped that he wouldn’t be able to remember this fucking night.


	6. Chapter Six

Loki never did hear back from Jennifer, and pretty soon he was told to pack his bags and get on the next flight out to Canada. He didn’t complain, moving autonomously as he tried to keep his thoughts clear.

He arrived at his hotel, secluding himself in the room with his furthest journey being to the mini-fridge. He eventually passed out on the bed, the jetlag and the alcohol coercing him into sleep.

Business was simple, he just had to reach out to a few suppliers and get some resellers of their metals set up in Canada.

It was a four-night trip, that didn’t allow Loki much time to explore the cities that he visited. All the free time that Loki had anyway was spent trying to line his liver with a mixed variety of all the alcohol in his room.

He constantly found his thoughts drift back to Jane, to the feel of her supple body drifting through the waves. He sometimes wished he could go back to the beach, and just hold her for a little longer. But he knew that thinking that way was selfish, she could have bled out and died. Just for him to stare at her and have her all to himself.

His curiosity about Jane was growing, he wanted to know why she would jump off a cliff. He needed to know the thoughts that were circling around her mind as she wanted to lose her life, her partner and all the beauty that she was born with.

He knew that most people who acted out against themselves, who scarred their skin and risked their lives were normally the kindest that you could meet. Choosing to hurt themselves rather than lashing out at others. He found that he was the exception, as he still managed to hurt those around him. He felt that Jane was the type of person who would bottle up her feelings and take out her anger on herself rather than those who were responsible.

He turned over in bed, holding onto a small plastic bottle of vodka. He thought about the way that he teased Jennifer, taking advantage of her innocence in favour of mocking her interest in Thor. He couldn’t shake the feeling about the subtle similarities between her and Jane. They were both softly spoken, and completely infatuated with his brother.

He wondered if he had never met of Jane, whether he would have tried to make his night with Jennifer work. Instead of starting the night off on the wrong foot. He wondered what he would have done if he was to meet Jane under different circumstances. If their eyes locked across the room at a bar, and he built up the strength to cross the distance and introduce himself. He wondered if he would have bothered to take notice of her. His long list of previous partners tended to be blonde and big busted. He just found that the girls who bared their chest to him were the easiest to read. He knew what they were after, and he was happy to supply it for a single night.

Not having a connection with a person helped Loki leave in the mornings. It helped him shut himself in at night and drink away his sorrows. It also made it easier to walk out into the ocean and let his lungs fill up with water.

Loki knew that he was a failure, he had been for his entire life. Never reaching the standards of his father, and just making his way through life by crushing the hearts of hopeful girls in favour of fucking them and walking away.

Something was screwing up his wires, something physically and mentally built into his body. It made him want to cause pain when he had a girl withering underneath him.

Like he couldn’t allow them to feel pleasure, without inflicting some pain. It was almost like he wanted them to feel the same agony that he had to live with every day. Even if it was just on a physical level.

-

Loki arrived back home, dragging his suitcase up the stairs and throwing it on his bed. He unzipped the case, taking out his pyjamas, before shoving the rest of his items on the floor. He dressed for bed, scrubbed his teeth and switched off the light. He slid himself beneath the covers, and laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling.

He didn’t feel anything.

He almost expected to be followed around by a feeling of fear. Especially as the last time he felt like this, he had tried to kill himself. But instead, his chest just felt empty and heavy. Like his body was meant to be filled with helium, just enough that it kept his shoulders drawn back. But he was empty, left feeling crushed underneath the bones and muscles that he couldn’t carry anymore.

Eventually, sleep claimed his thoughts, as he dreamed of the alluring ocean. Feeling its cool caress across his skin once more.

The next morning Loki was still in bed when he heard a series of firm knocks on his door. He lifted his head up, his heart kicking into motion as he registered that the knocks had been going for some time. He threw back the bed covers and trudged his way down the steep steps. He was rubbing at his eye as he pried the front door open, letting in a horrendous amount of sunlight as he glared at the person standing before him.

“Uh, good morning?” A soft yet curious voice asked.

Loki lifted his head up, opening his eyes properly to take in the sight of Jane’s small form standing on his doorstep. He wondered distantly whether he was still asleep.

“Sorry, I didn’t think you’d still be asleep.” She murmured nervously.

He shook his head, “No it’s fine.” He replied honestly, “I uh, got jetlag. I only just came back from Canada.” He mumbled, fighting off a yawn.

Her eyes widen, “Really? You were in Canada?”

He found himself smiling at her genuine interest in the world, once again he couldn’t understand how someone with so many passions and interests would find themselves towering over the edge.

“Did you want a coffee or something?” He offered, stepping back to open the door wider.

She smiled softly, “Sure.”

Loki shut the door behind her, watching as she walked into his home. Her eyes raking across the minimal furniture and the overfilled recycling bin with a lot of wine bottles balancing precariously on top.

“So how did you know where I lived?” He asked, continuing past her as he turned on the coffee machine. He pulled down two mugs and placed them on the counter.

“Well, Thor had your address, and since you live on the ground floor, I didn’t need a swipe card or anything.” She shrugged, “You should probably worry about your building's security though.”

He chuckled, turning to grab the milk out of the fridge. He hesitantly read the date, groaning in frustration as he realised that it was three days expired.

He turned back to find Jane, trailing her fingertips over his kitchen table. He suddenly got bombarded by the urge to lay her on his table and lick his way across every inch of her skin. He shook off the idea. “Sorry, uh, the milk’s gone off. There’s a café just down the street, want to go there?” He asked her.

She looked up at him, “I don’t mind.”

He nodded in agreement, “Alright, give me a minute and I’ll just get dressed.”

He turned and went up the stairs, stripping off his shirt as he turned into his room. He quickly kicked off his pants and pulled on his dark trousers. All of his good shirts were still dirty from his recent travel, and so he had to settle on wearing a plain light blue shirt that clung snuggling against his chest.

He grabbed his wallet, before returning to Jane who was nervously standing there. He tilted his head towards the front door, leading her outside. She followed silently, as Loki snatched his keys off the table, before pulling the door shut. He slid on a pair of sunglasses to soften the harsh morning light, as Jane followed by his side. “What’s the time anyway?” He asked, after finding that his pockets lacked the usual weight of his phone, which was still on his bedside table.

She looked down at her watch, “It’s about ten-thirty. When did you get back from your flight?”

He hummed in thought, “About four?”

“This morning?” She asked in shock. “Aren’t you exhausted?”

He nodded, “It’s alright, I don’t have to be anywhere for another two days. I’ll just sleep until then.”

She giggled beside him, sending him a smile that had him regretting wearing his sunglasses as he lost the colour of her pink lips. He frowned in thought, “It’s uh, a surprise to see you again.” He murmured, choosing to watch their feet as they walked down the footpath.

“Yeah,” She breathed out, thinking back to the last time they saw each other, with her leaning back in Loki’s arms, with his lips on hers. “I uh, well I actually need your help.”

He tilted his head in thought, “Really?”

She nodded, “Well, since Thor and I are getting married soon. We’ve settled on a date that’s two months from now, and neither of us has the time or the skill to get anything planned. So, I thought you could help me organise a few of the decorations and stuff?”

Loki’s stomach tensed uncomfortably at the mention of their wedding, his throat tightening at the thought that it was only going to be two months away. He didn’t think he was ready to accept that. He knew that he wouldn’t be going to the wedding anyway, no matter how much Jane insisted. There was no way Thor would allow it, not after Loki kissed the bride.

“That’s pretty soon.” Loki murmured.

She squealed in excitement, “I know right! I just can’t even comprehend it, like it’s happening so quickly.”

He bit back his negative thoughts, not wanting to crush her excitement. “So, you’re just asking for my help to organise your wedding with my brother?” He clarified, unable to hide the disappointment from his voice.

Jane looked up at him, “I mean, only if you want to. Or if you have time.”

“Will your arm be healed by then?” He wondered.

She shrugged, “Uh, yeah the doctors think so.”

Loki stopped walking, causing jane to double back as she caught sight of Loki entering into a small café that she had walked past. She followed him inside, finding him leaning against the counter as he dragged off his sunglasses, revealing his piercing blue eyes. “I’ll have a cappuccino,” He told the young lady working at the register, “Jane?” He asked, turning to her.

“Oh, I can get my own, it’s fine.” Jane blushed.

“It’s my treat.” Loki insisted.

Jane sidled up by him, looking across the menu. “Um, maybe I’ll get a mocha. Do you do mochas? Actually, no it’s fine I’ll just get a cappuccino too.”

Loki paid for their drinks as they meandered over towards a small table that looked out across the busy street. The window half obstructed by overgrown trees. “Thank you.” Jane told him, as she sat across from him.

He sent her an honest smile, as he felt his chest lifting up. The heavy weight that normally dragged him around, didn’t seem to bother him as much today as he stared across at his brother’s fiancé. The sunlight graced her cheek, highlighting the colour in them as she seemed so warm and comforting. Seeing her lips spread into a smile, the same lips that were once pressed to his. He couldn’t believe that she would bother to see him again after that. Let alone seek him out.

“So, how did your date go on Saturday?” She asked quietly, her curious eyes watching him closely.

Loki inhaled deeply, shifting back in his seat. He thought back to Jennifer’s wide fearful eyes. “Not great.” He replied, not saying anymore on the matter.

She seemed to understand his disinterest in the conversation and quickly changed it. “So, I was thinking of checking out a few venues on Friday, Thor’s got a bunch of meetings, but there’s really no other time that I can go.” She explained, “Are you free?”

He nodded, “Yeah, I don’t have much going on at work anyway. Do you work?” Loki wondered, hoping it didn’t come across as rude.

She smiled, “Yeah, at the university. I lecture a few days a week.”

He sat up a bit straighter, “You’re a teacher?”

She could see the smirk gracing his lips and she rolled her eyes, “It’s not as exciting as it sounds. I just do a bunch of powerpoint presentations and mark page after page of exams.”

“What do you teach?”

“Astrophysics.”

Loki quirked an eyebrow at that, he was staring at fucking scientist. “Neat.” He settled on saying, “I’m surprised you haven’t travelled then.”

She shrugged, “I uh never really had the time. After high school, I went straight to university and then got my degree and then just started working. I never really took a break.”

“Do you regret it?” He asked, hoping his personal question wouldn’t startle her.

She didn’t seem bothered as she shrugged, “I sort of do. I think, even just taking a few months off or something would have been nice.”

“Why don’t you?” He questioned.

She gave him an embarrassed smile, looking away briefly. “I’m not really, well I can’t really afford it. I don’t want to take Thor’s money and teaching doesn’t make as much as I need to keep living here in the city and pay for traveling on top of that.”

He frowned at her, “Doesn’t Thor pay the bills?”

“Well, we don’t really live together yet. I mean, I stay over at his place all the time. But I’ve still got an apartment near the university that I’m paying rent on.”

Loki couldn’t hide his smile at discovering that they weren’t living together yet. “Wow.” He breathed out, leaning back in his chair. “My brother’s an arse.”

“Hey,” Jane started, “He’s not. I don’t want him to pay for me anyway. It just feels wrong.”

Loki couldn’t relate, he would love more than anything to take Thor’s money and spend it on pointless shit. Just to see the look on his face when all of his hard work was wasted.

Even though he knew that Jane wasn’t the type of girl to spend his money on trashy clothes or fancy cars. Loki wished that he could take her on a trip, he knew a few good places that he had been to before that he would love to see again.

The suggestion for a trip, was on the edge of his lips just as the coffees were placed in front of them. “Thank you!” Jane beamed at the waitress as she curled her fingers around the mug and brought it under her nose. She sighed, before sipping at the foam on top. 

Loki found that he wouldn’t trade this moment for anything else.


	7. Chapter Seven

The morning soon crept into the afternoon, as Loki and Jane made their way back to his apartment. They were seated at the dining table, flicking through a few magazines that Jane had brought in her handbag.

Loki was busy looking over at bouquet arrangements as Jane called up a few nearby venues to see if they were available on their wedding date. It seemed that Thor had his heart set on the 25th of March to get married. It was a few days after their mother’s birthday. Loki tightened his grip on the magazine, thinking of how Thor would dare interfere with their mother’s birthday just to rewrite the calendar in favour of celebrating his marriage instead. He didn't want to forget his mother, not after everything she offered him.

“Really?” Jane grinned, speaking into the phone. “Yeah, that’s perfect!” Loki raised an eyebrow as he waited for her call to finish. “That was the Pemmington venue,” She grinned at him, “They said we can visit on Friday.”

With two thumbs up, Loki tried to hide his slight irritation. They already had a few other venues to look at on Friday, and he didn’t want to spend the entire day imagining her getting married to his brother in a bunch of different venues. It was already going to be difficult enough to see it once, and he didn't need to keep being reminded.

“Find anything nice in there?” She asked, leaning over his shoulder to peer at the magazine he was flicking through.

He thumbed through a few pages, before finding the wild floral option he noticed before. He hesitantly showed her a picture of a bundled bouquet of Australian native plants, with bursts of red and yellow breaking through grey-green branches. She traced a finger along the page. “It’s beautiful.” She agreed, taking the seat beside him as she continued to stare at the page.

“I know it’s not very traditional.” He murmured, scratching the back of his neck.

She looked at him, as he recognised the familiar sight of excitement in her eyes. “I love it, Loki.” She beamed, before wrapping her arm around his neck and drawing him into a hug. Loki was frozen for a moment before he hesitantly pressed his hands on her back. The feel of her body against his made his mind fall blank, as he became caught up in the warmth radiating between them. “Thank you for all your help.” She whispered into his ear, sending chills down his spine.

He trailed his hands around to rest at her waist as she pulled back, keeping her hand loosely pressed to his shoulder. “I was stressed before, but I’m feeling a lot better about it now.” She smiled faintly, revealing a glimpse into her psyche as Loki noticed the pinch of panic and fear in her eyes. She didn't have to say it, Loki could see it. But he was grateful that she would share it with him. It seemed that Jane didn't have very many people to talk through her concerns with.

“What’s been going on in your life?” He asked quietly. He wasn’t too sure about how to bring up a conversation about her past, or about the traumas that drove her to the cliff. But he wanted to help her, and he knew that something must have happened.

She shrugged, “Mostly just work.” Her eyes lighting up again as the glimmer of doubt was hidden behind a show of happiness. “My new class is a bit of a handful.”

It wasn’t the type of conversation Loki hoped to have, he wanted to cut her open and read all the thoughts and doubts that made her feel like killing herself. He wanted to dive into her fears and troubles and help her find a solution. But he settled for getting to know her a little better

It was nearly four o’clock when Jane packed up her bag, giving Loki another quick hug before she caught a cab home. Loki didn’t want her to leave, but she insisted that it was better if she got home before Thor did. He figured that she hadn’t exactly told her fiancé who she was getting help from. to organise the wedding.

Loki closed the door, as Jane rounded the corner out of his view. He beelined for the kitchen, peering at one of the magazines that Jane left with directions for Loki to look through. She wanted him to have a few suggestions on what the colour and theme of the tables and décor should be. Loki didn’t think that he ever had a good sense of design or fashion, and so he was pleasantly surprised that Jane seemed to agree with every thought that he suggested.

He popped open his cupboard, grabbing a bottle of red and pouring himself a glass. He hadn’t been this sober this late into the day since he was a teenager. He didn’t even realise it until Jane had left, and his brain suddenly felt like it was burning up with too many thoughts. He could use a drink to relax.

-

On Friday morning, Loki had himself showered and dressed well before Jane arrived. He couldn’t sleep the night before and he ended up waking when the sky was still dark. He spent his morning burning off his energy in the gym before retreating to his kitchen and sinking a few glasses of red wine.

He figured that it would help calm his nerves, especially as the haunting images of his dreams kept returning to the front of his mind. He just wanted to forget it, to avoid the sight of crashing seas and drifting bodies.

This time when Jane knocked on his door, he was expecting her. He swung open the door, as Jane seemed to stare up at him in wonder. Her eyes settled on the dark suit that clung tightly to his body. She seemed startled by his formal attire, as Loki took in her simple blue jeans and shirt. Either way, Loki still didn’t feel overdressed, no matter what she wore. Loki had a habit of feeling underdressed in anything less than a suit.

Loki turned back to grab his keys, before leaving. Jane saw behind Loki, catching sight of the half-drunk bottle of wine and a used glass on the table. She hoped that it was from the night before, but she couldn’t help but notice the faint smell of alcohol coming off him.

They made their way to the taxi together silently, as they drove to the first location out of the four.

Loki was caught up in his thoughts as he sat staring out the window, he knew that today was going to be hard. He wasn’t exactly ready, or would he ever be, to see Jane get married to his brother. Since he wasn’t invited to the wedding, seeing the venue like this was the closest he was going to get.

The space between them seemed so far away, as the silence was eating him up. He carefully looked over to Jane, to find her caring eyes already focused on him. “How did class go this week?” He asked, conversationally.

“It was good.” She murmured, the unease not leaving her eyes. “Are you still jetlagged?”

Loki thought back to his sleepless night, that he spent tossing and turning. “Not anymore, things are back to normal.” He lied.

She gave him a polite smile, as Loki looked out the window again.

They arrived at the first location, which was a small barnyard area that had barrels and old country decorations. It wasn’t Loki’s favourite style, and he spent most of the time trailing behind Jane who was listening to a salesman brag about the farm animals they kept in the next paddock over.

It didn’t warrant their long drive to get there. It was stroked from the list, as they made their way to the second location.

The second one was a heavy church that was hosting a young youth chorus practice. The walls were decorated with half-naked and bleeding bodies, dark paintings and Latin text. Jane seemed a little freaked out as she took in the grand church.

“I didn’t know you were religious.” Loki murmured to her, as they sat at the back of the church.

She turned to face him, pursing her lips tightly. “I’m not. I just thought it would look more traditional. But I think it’s just freaking me out.”

He couldn’t stifle his laugh as he found her naivety adorable. Unfortunately, his laugh seemed to carry across the church, interrupting the singing children. He covered a hand over his mouth, his eyes widening in concern as Jane smirked at him from his side.

She soon wrapped her arm around his, and together they escaped from the church.

They jumped back into the taxi, continuing to the third venue on Jane’s list. Loki could feel his cheeks hurting from smiling so much, as Jane looked over at him with a giggle escaping her lips. “I can’t believe this is going so badly.” She whined, running a frustrated hand down her face.

“Hey,” Loki said, getting her attention. “You only need one to work out, okay?”

She took in a deep breath, trying to shake off the nerves. “You’re right.”

“Anyway,” He continued, “Third ones always a charm.”

But it wasn’t a charm, it was a rundown golf course with sprinklers that spat at them. Jane yelped as she was sprayed with a splash of cold water. Loki started to chuckle before he was attacked by the same sprinkler that seemed to spin around to get them.’

They ran off inside the dining space, finding a bunch of drunken bums clinging onto the bar. Loki felt the urge to order a drink but shoved it aside as Jane started to walk off. He decided to follow after her instead.

“This looks more like a funeral venue, than a wedding venue.” Jane murmured quietly to Loki.

He nodded in agreement, as they both stared at an elderly group of men gathered around a poker table.

“Ugh, this is hopeless.” Jane groaned as they left the third venue. Loki trailed after her, as he watched her cut through the grass towards the main road.

“Wait!” He called out, but wasn’t fast enough, as another sprinkler drenched the front of Jane’s outfit. She squealed, suddenly spinning and running away. But didn’t notice Loki behind her and crashed into his firm chest. She started to fall back, but Loki’s quickly grabbed hold of her to keep her balanced.

She stared up at him, her hair drooping across her face, as the wet strands stuck to her cheek. He smiled at the sight of her, as he watched the annoyance slowly fade from her pretty features. He delicately reached up, moving the wet strands behind her ear.

“Thanks.” She murmured softly, before taking a step back.

They made their way back to another taxi, by now it was starting to cost Loki a fortune, and Jane noticed this. “I’ll pay for the rest of the cabs.” She offered him.

He frowned, “No, it’s fine. You’ve got a big wedding to save up for anyway.” The mention of her wedding had her face lighting up with excitement. He felt his stomach drop at the sight.


	8. Chapter Eight

As the sun crept over into the afternoon, the warm car ride to the fourth venue was slowly becoming uncomfortable for Loki. He leaned forward in his seat, drawing Jane’s curious eyes to him as she watched him pull off his suit jacket.

He tucked it in the space between them, as he glanced towards her, catching her curious eyes watching him. She quickly looked away, instead staring at something that must have been much more fascinating out the window.

The drive to the last location wasn’t as awkward as the rest. Jane started talking about her difficulties finding a wedding dress and how she would eventually need his opinion on what looked best on her. The idea of seeing her wearing her wedding dress had his mind running in circles. He had never seen a bride before, and he tried to imagine Jane buried underneath a collection of white fabric, but all he could focus on was the smile that she would wear. It didn't matter what she wore, she would always be dressed with a striking beauty that followed her everywhere. It went deeper than her skin, it was a type of beauty that slowly seeped its way through Loki's defenses, catching him off guard as he could start to feel her smiles more than see them. It was like her beauty was the ocean, and he was a drowning ship, being engulfed by her subtle gestures and nervous quirks. Everything about her seemed to capture him, and he knew it was inescapable.

“So uh, do you have any friend’s going to the wedding?” He wondered. He had been trying to figure out why Jane insisted on having his opinion each step of the way. He figured that it was more of a bridesmaid’s job, but he hadn't heard of any.

Her smile faltered, “Yeah, of course.”

He felt like there was something there that she wasn’t saying. But she didn’t add anything, and he didn’t feel like pushing her for an answer.

They arrived at the last venue, the only indication that they were at the right place was a small wooden sign that pointed down towards a hill with the venue’s name. Loki looked across at the tops of the trees beneath them, they became an ocean of green and he couldn't help but feel like he was standing on the edge of the Earth. Jane went first, taking a few steps down the slope, following a concreted path that overlooked the large forest. The air felt cooler up here, and Loki slid his arms back into his suit jacket before he noticed the goosebumps tracing over Jane’s shoulders.

Once they arrived at the base of the hill, reaching the soft grass. Loki moved to drape his jacket across Jane’s shoulders, she turned to him with a curious look. Before her confusion turned into a warm smile, “Thanks. I’ll just borrow it for a bit.” She promised. He gave her an unbothered shrug as he knew that she could keep his jacket and he wouldn't even miss it, not if he knew she had it.

They continued through to the venue, finding a large open space that had a road entrance from the other side. There appeared to be an indoor dining area with large windows that almost made it feel like it was outside. Loki looked to the side, finding large low hanging trees that drooped green vines. He could feel a gentle breeze that tugged at the trees, sending a flutter of leaves to fall at their feet.

“Wow.” Jane breathed, taking in the sight. “This is beautiful.”

Loki looked over at Jane, thinking that she was even more beautiful.

They continued into the indoor dining area, meeting Sandra the venue manager. The older woman greeted them with a wide hug and congratulated them on their achievement. Loki assumed that she meant the wedding, but Jane didn’t correct her that he wasn’t the groom.

Sandra walked through the dining area with Jane, showing her the two small rooms around the back where she would be able to get dressed and prepared. There was also a packaged dining option if they liked, with a selection of foods that were guaranteed to suit any dietary requirement.

Loki found himself getting distracted by the burst of nature surrounding them, everything looked so green and fresh. The air felt so clean, the cool air stung his lungs. He wanted to lay down into the soft grass and close his eyes. It felt like such a peaceful and harmonious place. He just wished that it wasn’t going to become the place where Jane and Thor made their vows.

That was what they were doing at the end of the day, he had to remind himself. Loki wasn’t here for anything else, just to help Jane find a place to marry his brother.

The thought made Loki’s stomach twist, as he wished that he didn’t have to see this place. His chest was burning with jealously, as he looked at the way that Jane’s skin seemed to glow underneath the soft overcast light. The wind breezing through her long dark hair as it brushed against her shoulder.

“How about I show you two the altar?” Sandra asked.

Jane nodded eagerly, following after her as Loki was still caught up in his thoughts. Jane noticed, and grabbed his hand, pulling him out of his worries as she dragged him to the altar.

They walk back towards the open grass space towards the entrance, as Sandra led them under the low hanging trees that Loki noticed before. The warm sunlight drifted through the swaying leaves, catching the edge of Jane’s skin as it turned a golden colour. Loki looked ahead, finding bushes of white flowers lining the small, secluded area. The altar was framed by large rocks, that had been carved into, creating rows of seats.

Jane didn’t let go of Loki’s hand, even as they both stood staring at the trees in awe. With the warmth from her palm melting into his own, Loki felt a strange sensation that settled deep inside his chest. It made him breathe a little easier.

The altar was a garden, filled with fresh flowers that were blooming brightly. The sunlight shined through brighter here, and the air around them was a mix of warm and cool breezes. It made Loki’s skin feel alive as his eyes finally returned to Jane. Catching the dark brown in her gaze, noticing for the first time the soft gold that circled her iris.

“Did you want me to run you through our process?” Sandra asked, drawing Jane’s attention.

Jane smiled brightly, “That’d be great.”

Sandra turned to Loki, “Would you mind standing at the end of the altar?”

He nodded stiffly, giving Jane a final look that promised to see her again soon, before releasing her hand and walking down the altar. The soft grass underneath his feet felt soft, the sight surrounding him seemed to take away all of his doubts and worries. It made his mind feel clear, which he hadn’t felt without his reliance on alcohol to ease the uncertainty racking through his mind.

He reached the end, looking back towards where Jane was standing. The sunlight brushing over her shoulders and catching the bronze in her hair. Sandra held her arm out, as Loki could hear Jane’s sweet laughter. She wrapped her hand around Sandra’s arm as the venue manager pretended to walk her down the aisle.

Jane’s eyes locked on Loki’s as he caught the sight of a faint blush scattering over her cheeks, she looked so happy that he couldn’t stop a smile from sneaking over his lips. She ducked her head nervously, as a few strands of her hair fell across her eye. She was unable to brush away the fallen strands that fell loose as Sandra continued to hold her hand. Loki’s fingers twitched with the desire to move her hair back into place.

Loki couldn’t look away, as he was enraptured by the pure delight gracing Jane’s features. He hadn’t seen her as happy as he did now. He wondered what she would look like on her actual wedding day.

Sandra let Jane walk ahead, as she gave her over to Loki.

The dark-haired man took hold of Jane’s hand in his, as her nervous eyes met his. There was an unhidden depth of honesty passing through her eyes, as she returned his gaze with affection. He couldn’t call it anything else, as she smiled up to him. Her eyes crinkling in joy, it made Loki’s heart squeeze uncomfortably, as he thought of how different she looked now compared to the first time he saw her sinking beneath the water with an empty expression across her face.

He held onto her hand tighter, not wanting to let go.

“I’ll run through an introduction, followed by the vows.” Sandra said quietly, her voice sounding soft enough to think that she was far away. Loki wasn’t really paying attention to the wedding manager, as he was surprised to find Jane’s eyes remained fixated on his.

There was an enchanting look in her eye, a sense of relief and pure happiness that he had never seen directed at him before. Most of the looks he received were quite the opposite of this. It made his skin flush with warmth, as he briefly worried that Jane would be able to hear his heart beating loudly between them. 

“Then we wrap it up, and you get to kiss the beautiful bride.” Sandra said distantly.

Loki couldn’t agree more with Sandra, that Jane was a beautiful bride. Even without a white frilly dress, he knew that he would never find someone as beautiful as Jane.

He took a step towards her, expecting a look of fear or unease to damage the gentleness in her features, but she remained calm and open. He traced a hand over her arm, brushing it across her shoulder before settling at her jaw, his thumb grazing over her cheek. His eyes flicked down to her red parted lips, finding a slight curve at the corner of her mouth. He threaded their fingers together as he leaned forward, pressing his lips hesitantly against hers.

A sudden burst of warmth pooled in Loki’s stomach, as he felt the heat spread throughout his entire body. His mind fell silent, as he savoured the moment. He applied gentle pressure to her lips as he felt her hand tighten around his. After a moment, he had decided to step back, just as he felt Jane’s gentle lips caress over his as she kissed him back.

He turned his head to the side, deepening their kiss as he delicately traced his lips along hers. He wanted to draw her up into his arms and hold her close, but he eventually had to let her go. Letting his eyes fall to find her lips slightly red from their kiss.

Jane’s eyes were glossy, as he saw a flash of panic filter across her features. Soon after, her hand dropped from his, as she stepped back, creating distance between them.

Loki fought down the pang of sadness that struck at his heart.

“It’s perfect.” Jane said, her voice sounding gravelly. “I’ll book it for my fiancé and I.”

Loki figured that she was saying it that way, more for his sake than Sandra’s.

Loki’s lips were still stinging with the phantom pressure of Jane’s lips against his. He numbly followed as they all returned to the open grass space. Loki couldn’t ignore the way that his heart reacted, he had felt it throughout his entire being.

For a moment it felt like he had everything. Like there was nothing more in the world that he could ever possibly want.

But just as fast, he felt like he lost everything.

-

Jane and Loki shared a cab ride back into the city. Jane had spoken very few words to him since their kiss, but she didn’t seem upset, just distracted.

“So uh,” Jane spoke up, “Next week Sandra wants us to come back and sign the papers and make a deposit.”

“On Friday?” Loki asked.

Jane nodded, “Are you free? If not, I can just go by myself.”

“I’m free,” He insisted.

She gave him a strained smile, “Okay then, I’ll meet you at your house around ten?”

“Sounds perfect.”

The cab dropped Jane off first at Thor’s place, she said a quick goodbye and pushed open the door, already standing outside. Loki didn’t even get a chance to say something before she slammed the door shut. He was left blinking blankly, before the door was suddenly swung open, “Sorry,” Jane murmured, shimmying out of Loki’s suit jacket. “Thanks again for today, see you next week.” She smiled softer than before, passing him his jacket.

Loki took the jacket with a smile, “It was a pleasure.”

She blushed slightly, before turning away and closing the door more gently this time.

Loki was driven back home, and he easily kicked his shoes off as he shut his front door shut behind him. He couldn’t stop thinking about the sight of pure joy in Jane’s honest eyes, she was genuinely happy. But then he went and kissed her, only to look back at her, and see her closed off again. Loki moved to his kitchen table, uncapping the bottle of red that he started this morning and decided to finish it off.

He couldn’t stop thinking about Jane, about all the joy that she could bring him, but also all the pain that she could as easily inflict without even knowing it.

After seeing that look of happiness across Jane’s face, he couldn’t help but doubt that she was the same girl he found floating in the ocean only a few months ago. He couldn’t understand how someone so excited about their wedding, would try to kill themselves. He let the wine burn his throat, as he finished the bottle. He reached into his cupboard, grabbing something stronger as he started on a forgotten bottle of whisky.

Either way, Loki figured that Jane didn’t need his help. She wasn’t going to kill herself again, there were no more signs of sadness or fear in her eyes, except for when Loki kept stealing kisses from her. He figured that he was the problem in her life. She didn’t need him, and he only caused her more pain and confusion. She even caused him pain. Wrecking his thoughts and heart, and filling him with hope for a better life. Both of their lives would be better off without each other. Perhaps if they had both died that night. If only Loki had killed himself a few minutes beforehand or chose a different part of the beach, then he never would have heard her jump and he wouldn’t be in this situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my favourite chapter so far... <3


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Severe trigger warning for the graphic depiction of self-harm, suicide attempt and non-consensual elements.

Almost a week later, Loki found himself drowning in a bottle of whisky. He had his head tilted back as he tried to catch the final drops. A few stray droplets snuck under his chin, as he tossed the bottle onto the couch, running a hand over his mouth to wipe up the spill. His hand stinging from the scratch of his rough stubble.

He had stopped shaving five days ago, around the same time that he stopped coming into work. Ignoring a trip to Moscow for the weekend, as he remained cooped up in his apartment.

He forced himself up onto shaky legs, as he meandered back towards the kitchen. He fished out another bottle of whisky, slowly becoming addicted to the sound of the cap unscrewing. He took the drink back to the couch, as he continued flicking through the TV channels for something to distract him from his thoughts.

There were a few moments that continued to torture him, as he tried to force the memories out of his head, but they kept creeping upon him. It was like everything he did ended up reminding him of Jane. He kept thinking back to when she returned his kiss, it changed something inside him, and he couldn’t stand being by himself anymore. Not after what he had felt with her. But he was stuck just craving that feeling and knowing deep down that he would never find it again.

It was nearly ten o’clock when Loki couldn’t fight the loneliness anymore, he fumbled his phone out of his pocket and dialled Aimee’s number.

Her scratchy voice broke through the speaker, “Loki?” She questioned.

“Can you come over?” He asked, not hoping for much as he knew that she was rarely free during the week, preferring to keep her company for the weekends.

She hummed in thought on the other end of the call, “Fine.” She murmured, “Get a glass of wine ready for me.”

He grinned wickedly, “Will do.”

Loki wandered back to the kitchen, getting out a glass of red wine, especially for her.

A wave of relief washed over him, as he knew that things would be better now that Aimee would be here with him. He didn’t think that he could make it through the night, without someone to distract him from himself. He doubted he would get any sleep tonight, not with the threatening thoughts of tomorrow’s meeting with Jane.

He didn’t want things to be signed away in paperwork, and live knowing that Jane was just going to marry his brother and together they would both forget about him.

Loki just wanted to drink himself to death tonight.

He had comfortably acknowledged that everyone will die one day.

He couldn’t give a shit what other people did to bring that day a little closer. Whether it was cigarettes, drugs or unprotected sex. Everyone had a vice. He settled for drinking. He didn’t care that all the alcohol lining his stomach was speeding up his death and bringing that fateful day a little bit closer. He genuinely believed that he would end up taking his own life. He would be surprised if he lived long enough for it to be the alcohol that killed him. 

Loki just hadn’t been the same, not since he stared deep into Jane’s gaze and felt something that he had never before. It was a blinding sense of security and happiness that just made everything in his life make perfect sense.

But he had to accept that it would never be true. He would never get to marry Jane. He will forever be in the shadow of his brother’s success.

Aimee finally arrived, as Loki felt like his mind was going to catch on fire from all the thoughts racing around. He swung the door open as soon as he heard her knocking. He sent her a grin, as she took in his dishevelled appearance. “Oh my god, what is that?” She asked, brushing a hand over his stubbled cheeks. “Ew I hate it.”

He smirked at her, grabbing her hand and pressing a kiss to her fingertips. “Nice to see you too.”

She huffed out a laugh, hugging him instead. “I’m not going to kiss you though.” She murmured, leaving him at the entrance as she walked through to grab the glass of wine sitting on the bench that she assumed was hers.

Loki closed the door, slowly strutting towards her as he tugged at the hem of his jumper, pulling it over his head and tossing it to the floor. Aimee peeked over her shoulder, giving him a confused glare. “Really, not even a bit of a catch-up first?” She asked sarcastically, turning to face him as Loki continued to strip off his clothes. She watched with amusement as he kicked off his pants and underwear.

He moved to the kitchen, leaning against the counter completely naked as he uncapped the whisky and took a swig.

Aimee’s eyes fixated on the tensed muscles in Loki’s neck, as she watched his Adam’s apple bob with each gulp. She left her wine on the kitchen table as she made her way in front of him. She traced her hands across his bare torso, skimming over his smooth skin. He looked down at her, placing the whisky on the bench behind him. She leaned forward, pressing her lips against his collarbone.

Loki kept watching her, as she slowly trailed her way down his chest. Smoothing her hands over his waist as her lips glided over his stomach, before following the sharps lines of his obliques. She kneeled before him, wrapping her lips around his half-erected cock as she sucked him slowly.

He tilted his head back as he breathed in deeply, as he felt his blood fill out. He threaded his hands through her hair, loving the way it fell softly through his fingers. He thought back to the way the sunlight radiated through Jane's hair making it seem golden as she stood at the altar, with her eyes so wide and beautiful. He tangled his hand in her hair, clenching his fist in it as he lifted her off his dick. He tilted Aimee's head back to look down at her, watching as her wide eyes stared up at him. A flash of dangerous innocence flicked through her blue hues. He pulled her up by her hair as she stumbled onto shaky legs. He trailed his hand down her chest as she stood before him, still fully dressed.

He yanked at her shirt, pulling it over her head before unclasping her bra. She giggled as he fumbled with the strap, but he eventually got it and threw her clothes to the floor. His fingers worked at the simple button on her jeans, before pulling the zipper down as she stepped out of her pants.

Loki tugged at her underwear, dropping them to the floor as he wrapped his arms underneath the back of her thighs and hauled her up into his lap as she wrapped her legs around his waist.

He carried her over to the couch, laying her back against it. “Am I still not worthy of your bed?” She asked playfully, a hint of insecurity tracing her words.

He ignored it, leaning forward and scrapping kisses over her neck. She wiggled beneath him, whining softly. “Ah Loki,” She gasped, as his hand brushed over her breast. “Your stubble really hurts.” He lifted his head up, giving her a look. “What? It does. Either go shave or stop touching me with it.”

He rolled his eyes, sitting himself back up. He moved to stand up from the couch, before Aimee’s arms wrapped around his shoulders. “I’m just kidding,” She giggled, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “Well, half-serious. But since you’re basically up, could you get my bag and bring it to me?” She asked.

Loki nodded briefly, moving to stand as he returned to the kitchen. He took another big swig of whisky from the bottle, before grabbing her bag from the table. He brought it back to her, as he dropped it into the space beside her. He waited as she fished through her bag, watching as she searched through the different pockets. Eventually, she pulled out a sealed condom packet.

“Do you mind?” She asked, holding it out to him.

He took it silently, tearing it open and rolling it over his cock.

She pushed his shoulders back against the couch, as she straddled his hips. She grabbed his cock, positioning it underneath her before she slowly sunk down onto it.

They both gasped at the sensation, Loki found it easier to exist with the pleasure building up in his stomach as it distracted him from his chaotic thoughts. He gripped her hips, forcing her to move faster above him. She whined as she clung desperately onto his shoulders, her nails digging into his skin. He released a deep breath as the pain from her grip sent chills down his spine. He leaned forward, sinking his teeth into her shoulder as she squeaked at the pain. He bit deeply, causing her to whack his shoulder before resulting to sinking her fingers in his hair and yanking him away from her tender flesh.

She met his dark eyes as he glared back at her, his eyes cold and detached almost like he was looking through her.

He growled as his thoughts started to return to Jane’s wide beautiful eyes. He suddenly hauled Aimee up, before tossing her back against the couch and slotting himself between her parted legs. He thrust his hips forward, pushing deep inside her as she struggled to find something to hold onto. She was overwhelmed by a sudden burst of pain from her hips, “Slow down.” She told him, pushing on his shoulders, trying to make it harder for him to thrust as deep inside her. “Stop Loki.”

Loki remembered the feel of Jane’s soft lips against his, feeling the warm sunlight brushing across their skin and the gentle curve of her smile.

He moved a hand over Aimee’s throat to silence her, clenching his fist around her slender neck. He squeezed tight, as he watched her blue eyes widen in panic. He stabbed his hips forward, his cock aching as the experience started to become more unpleasant than pleasurable. But he needed to come, he was chasing after an orgasm that just seemed out of his reach. He pounded inside her, as she clawed at the hand wrapped around her throat.

He kept seeing Jane’s caring eyes fixated on his, watching him closely. Always wondering what was running through his head. He gritted his teeth, knowing that Jane was going to be so happy without him. He figured that Jane must have slipped that day at the beach. He couldn't imagine it being her intention to die.

But if it wasn’t an accident, and she did want to jump. Then how is she so okay now, when Loki still feels like tearing himself apart in a hundred different ways. He didn’t think it would be possible to ever feel fine again after something like that. 

Not in this fucked up world.

He felt Aimee’s fingers dig into his flesh, the pain broke him out of his thoughts as he screwed his eyes shut, moaning deeply.

“Fuck.” Loki gasped, as his stomach flooded with warmth, much like how it did when he kissed Jane. He groaned softly, letting his hips slow down as he felt the pleasure spread through his stomach.

It didn’t take much after that, as his body finally gave in. He came buried deep inside Aimee, as he released his hold around her throat. Gently easing back into reality as he lifted himself off the girl, staring down at her wide eyes and tearstained cheeks.

He blinked at her, wondering when that happened.

He suddenly pulled out of her and stood up from the couch. He threw off the used condom, letting it drop to the floor. “Christ!” He screamed, beating his fists against his thigh as he crouched beside the couch, holding his head in his hands.

He was shaking, his body drained from the exertion and exhilarated by the sight of fear in Aimee’s eyes. He was completely fucked up. When did he get so fucked up? He saw the same look in Aimee’s eyes that he did in Jennifer’s all those nights ago.

“Loki?” He heard a voice ask distantly.

He should have drowned himself that night at the beach. The world would have been a much better place without him in it. He didn’t deserve to live another day. He had out stayed his welcome and fucked up enough things. Caused people enough pain.

Suddenly Loki felt a firm pressure on his shoulder and he quickly shoved whoever it was away. He was broken out of his thoughts when he abruptly heard a loud shattering sound. He stood to his feet, turning back to find Aimee lying in the broken glass of his coffee table.

“Fuck.” Loki panicked, “Christ, I’m so sorry.” He ran towards her, already feeling a few stray shards of glass digging into his feet as he reached out to help her stand.

She was lifted onto her feet, as she yanked her hand free from Loki’s grasp as soon as she out of the table. “Fuck off! Don’t you dare touch me!” She screamed, before rushing past him. He caught sight of a few faint scratches of red across her back, as he swallowed thickly.

She quickly returned to the kitchen, grabbing her clothes in a fury before she ran out of his apartment. The slam of the front door echoed around him loudly, as Loki stood staring down at the broken coffee table, digging his feet deeper into the glass underneath him. The glass had gone everywhere, splashing across his wooden floor.

Loki wondered how many more times he would fuck up in his life. He was sick of constantly hurting others and making mistakes. He no longer trusted himself. He was scared of who he was inside, and of who he became when under the guise of pleasure and frustration. He acted on impulse, chasing the feeling and losing himself as all of his darkest emotions seeped into his conscious. He could still feel the phantom thrum of Aimee’s heartbeat through his hand as he thought of how he squeezed it. He worried that if he had held onto her for a few moments more, that she wouldn’t have been walking herself out of his place.

He kneeled before the coffee table, scooping up a handful of the shattered glass. He spent the next hour, forming the glass into a pile. Watching as the small shard created flecks of red in between his fingers. The pain blooming into a dull ache, as his thoughts remained pleasantly clear.

He grabbed at the pile of glass, holding it in his hand as he considered throwing it in the bin. Instead, he slowly crushed it into his palm, watching as it cut deeply into his flesh as blood started to drain down his arm. He cursed at the burst of pain before he tossed the bloodied glass across the floor.

He was greeted by the same feeling that guided him to the beach.

He knew that he could never deserve a woman like Jane, he couldn’t be trusted with anyone, not when he kept craving the sight of bruised skin. He was scared of how far he could take it.

Loki reached out for a larger piece of the glass, that seemed to shine the brightest. He held it in his trembling hand, as he ran his thumb along the sharp edge. It felt cool in his hand, as he extended his other arm out, positioning the glass along his wrist. He dug in the sharp edge before he yanked it back towards his elbow.

A wave of blood burst from his skin, the warmth spreading over his thighs and dribbling to the floor. He tried to repeat it on the other arm, but his fingers couldn’t hold the glass as it kept slipping through his grip. He managed to grasp onto it with his fist, feeling it cut into his palm as he jabbed it into his other arm, skimming it across his wrist as the ground in front of him wobbled. His head suddenly feeling empty as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

It was a few moments before Loki fell back, losing consciousness as his wrists continued to drain out. 


	10. Chapter Ten

The sunlight skimmed through their open bedroom window, as Jane yawned. Waking up to the sight of Thor, as he stepped out of the shower, with a towel loosely wrapped around his waist. She always loved the way his hair seemed to rebel against him after a shower, the normally perfectly styled strands were a damp mess that laid flat against his head, the imperfection brought a smile to her lips.

“Morning.” She sighed to him, curling her arms above her head, before burying deeper under the covers, not wanting to leave the warm blankets just yet.

“Hey,” Thor greeted, sending her a warm smile as he reached for his clothes from the cupboard. “How did you sleep?”

“Wonderfully,” She smiled, “I’m booking the wedding venue today.” She told him softly, hoping that he’d be as excited as her.

“That’s great,” He grinned at her, already having pulled on most of his clothes, as he slid a tie over his neck and folded it up quickly. He slipped on his shoes, before pressing a kiss Jane’s forehead. “I can’t wait to see it.”

She was startled by how quickly he could get dressed, it felt like she could have blinked and missed it. Jane offered him another stoic smile, “Me too.” Feeling her chest rise hopefully.

He brushed his fingers through her hair briefly and around her face, before letting his thumb drop off her chin. He stepped back, pulling on his jacket and grabbing his briefcase. Jane listened as she heard him walk through the house, before shutting the front door behind him.

An hour later, Jane was out of bed, dressed and slinging her handbag over her shoulder. She checked her watch, not wanting to be late to pick up Loki. She brushed her hair and even thought of tying a red ribbon in it for a change. There was a sense of spontaneity that lifted her shoulders higher today, it was what encouraged her to slide a dark red lipstick over her plump lips. She gazed at her reflection, frightened by the sad eyes that stared back. She wiped the lipstick off, thinking better of it. She instead settled for her common dull light pink gloss. She didn’t want to give Loki another reason to kiss her anyway.

He had to stop doing that.

It was making things difficult for her, and she had to force herself to concentrate on Thor instead. Not his alluring and mysterious brother, that could leave her breathless with just one kiss.

Jane fought against the sudden guilt that accumulated in her gut, she didn’t want to fight against her feelings for Loki, but there was something about him that had her heart pausing each time she saw him.

Whereas her heart still seemed to be guarded around Thor. It still didn’t feel the same since Thor had betrayed her all those months ago.

With well-practiced ease, Jane got a cab to Loki’s place. Double-checking on the way that she had all the paperwork needed to sign for the venue. As she arrived at Loki’s place, she told the driver to wait for a moment as she quickly jogged over to his place.

She almost felt out of breath, as she gave the front door a few knocks. She was still deciding whether it was from the excitement of booking her wedding venue or spending the day with Loki by her side. But the thought seemed to perish, as she watched the door slowly push open from the strength of her knocks. Her heart clenched tensely, as she realised that something wasn’t right. She peeked inside, looking towards the kitchen as she saw more uncapped alcohol. She frowned, before noticing a bundle of clothes decorating the floor. “Loki?” She called out, before waiting patiently for his reply.

She was met with silence and figured that he must be jet-lagged from another flight. She stepped inside his apartment, moving towards the kitchen. The house was uneasily quiet, even with the door open the outside world seemed to fade away.

As Jane reached the kitchen counter, she threw a glance back towards the lounge room, expecting to find him asleep. “Loki?”

A scream strangled its way out of her throat, as she took in the sight of Loki’s passed-out figure lying across broken glass. Her eyes narrowed in on the blood staining his skin. The fact that he was naked barely passed through her thoughts as she quickly kneeled by his side, not caring as she felt the biting pain of glass jabbing into her knees. She tried to reach for his wrist to check his pulse, but the sight of the deep cuts running along his arms left her blank for a second. She had to force herself to concentrate as she pressed two shaking fingers underneath his jaw.

She couldn’t feel a pulse, she could only hear her own racing through her ears as she stared down at the largest cut running down his wrist. His hand was resting on his chest, lying above his heart. Her fingers were trembling, as she tried to find a pulse, but all she could feel was his cold skin.

Her breaths were coming out in short sharp motions, as she stared at Loki’s still figure. “What did you do?” She screamed at him, shaking his shoulder and praying for him to wake up. He but he didn’t respond.

An unpleasant yet familiar feeling greeted her, as the adrenaline flooded underneath her skin. She wanted him to be alive, she selfishly needed to have him with her. Even though it wasn't her place, she couldn't stand the thought of him no longer being here. But she couldn't ignore the deep marks on his arms that showed that it wasn't an accident. Loki wanted to take his own life. Would it be wrong to go against his wishes? How could she save someone that acted out on themselves, how could she defend someone that was both the victim and the assailant? Would the real torture be stopping him from dying? It made her feel like she didn't really know him. She never could have imagined Loki trying to take his own life. She couldn't understand how someone with so much, would give it all away for the silence of death. Their similarities just made her want to save him even more as she remembered staring down into the dark sea beneath her. With a trembling hand, she pushed her fingertips under his jaw, trying to find his pulse. Perhaps it was just a trick of her mind, but she swore that she could feel the faint thrum of blood that travelled underneath his skin. She bolted into action, "Help!" She screamed.

There was a hesitant knock on the door, “You okay in there miss?” The taxi driver asked.

“Help!” She cried out to him, “Please, call an ambulance!”

The driver rounded the corner, taking in the sight. He quickly fumbled for his phone and dialled triple zero.

Jane shook her head, covering her mouth as she choked back a scream. She couldn’t look away from Loki’s slender form lying so peacefully still. She could see the outline of his ribs surrounding his chest, as she noticed that he had become a lot skinner since the last time she saw him. The bright red blood made his skin seem so pale.

She wondered how long ago it all happened. The cuts seemed to have dried up, but there was a lot of blood staining the floors. She ran her hand over the dried blood along Loki’s chest, almost expecting him to wake up and ask why she was touching him with his dark and gravelly voice. She pressed her hand over his heart, desperately trying to feel a beat.

She reached out for his hand, finding the large piece of blood-stained glass still balance in his fingers. She took it out of his hands, dropping it to the floor as she felt the sharp edge tease her skin. Jane traced her finger along the edge of the large cut torn through his forearm, remembering the feel of his hands sliding up her arm and cupping her jaw at the altar. It seemed like only yesterday that they were standing there. When she saw something so alluring in his blue eyes, a type of sadness that reflected all the heartbreak in his life. He bared his soul to her in that moment, before he leaned forward and kissed her.

She saw a tear land against Loki’s chest, melting the dried blood, as she realised that she was crying. She wiped at her cheek, noticing too late all the blood staining her hands. She stared down at her trembling fingers, as her lungs felt like they were being crushed from inside.

She pushed her hand back against his body, not daring to let him go. She stared at the misunderstood man beneath her, wondering for the hundredth time what type of thoughts filled up his mind. She followed along the straight bridge of his nose, down to his pink lips and across his dark stubble. She gently traced a finger over his jaw, her fingertips burning from the touch. It sent a chill along her spine, that made her vision swim as her heart clenched uncomfortably. She couldn’t lose him.

She couldn’t understand what would have made him do this. It was plaguing her thoughts, as she clung to him desperately. She had to look away, as she couldn’t keep watching his unmoving figure. Wondering how long he had been left alone to die.

Her eyes drifted across the room, finding the shattered stem of a wine glass on the floor. Red lipstick staining the edge. She breathed in deeply, forcing herself to calm down and try not to think about it. She stared towards the couch, as a smushed piece of plastic caught her gaze. She peered at it, feeling her stomach clench as she realised that she was staring at a used condom, she looked away from it. She figured that perhaps the date with Jennifer went better than he made her believe. Jane shook her head, not wanting to think about Loki with someone else right now, let alone someone that couldn’t stop him from hurting himself.

Jane’s nervous eyes fell upon Loki again. Her mind started screaming at her again, trying to understand how he could have done this. She had found herself in a similar situation to this before, with her mind dark and heavy. Her body yearning for pain as she wished for nothing more than to switch off her mind. But she could never inflict that type of pain onto herself, instead, relying on the speed and distance of a drop to ease her agony.

The crowded rush of footsteps started to surround Jane, as soft hands pressed at her shoulder, asking her to move back. She stared silently as a group of people in dark blue jumpsuits surrounded Loki’s body.

They moved her back, as she complied numbly, staring down at the blood staining her jeans and hands. She didn’t know if she should say something to the paramedics. She didn’t think she could explain the pretty self-explanatory situation to them. But it must have been obvious that Loki tried to kill himself since they didn’t ask.

She watched as a nurse inspected the large incisions along his arm, murmuring to the others as they pulled out a medical kit. They gently extended his arm, as another paramedic held it up before they wrapped a large bandage across the wound. Pulling together the split skin and covering the self-inflicted cut.

They repeated the same action on his other wrist, where the cut wasn’t as deep. She figured that Loki passed out before he could cause the same amount of damage to his opposite side.

The paramedics hauled Loki onto a stretcher, covering his bare body with a piece of cloth. Jane almost expected to watch his blood seep through the fabric and continue to drain out on the floor, but instead, his body just remained lifeless.

“Would you like to come to the hospital?” A paramedic asked Jane, as they carried Loki out of his apartment.

She nodded stiffly, her throat feeling closed up. She was led towards the flashing ambulance, numbly pulling herself into a seat in the back. They sat her in the corner, as the other paramedics continued to work on Loki. Inspecting the rest of his body for any other injuries.

The siren cut through the air, as they moved quickly through the busy morning traffic. Jane stared out the window, watching the world continue to move around them. She watched people jogging on the street, and she wondered how long it would be until Loki could jog again. Until he could do anything again. She tried to imagine him running but kept picturing his wrists splitting open and thick blood coating his arms. 

She shook herself out of the thought, not wanting to think about Loki’s injuries.

“What’s your name, dear?” A paramedic asked.

“Jane.” She murmured.

A hand pressed gently against her shoulder, “Can you tell me his name?”

“Loki,” She whispered, catching another sight of Loki’s still form. “Loki Odinson.”

“Is he your partner?” She was asked.

Jane shook her head, “No, I uh, I’m marrying his brother.” She reminded herself.

“Okay, we’ll need to inform his family about the accident. But we’ll do it once we arrive at the hospital, okay?”

Jane nodded her head numbly, wondering why she didn’t count as his family. She stared down at the tremor in her fingers, squeezing them tight as she tried to stop them from shaking. But it didn’t stop her hand from trembling, as she stared at the blood staining her skin. She didn’t want to think about what would happen after they called Loki’s family, no doubt his brother would be on that list. Jane hadn’t told Thor that she had been seeking his help with the wedding, she knew that he wouldn’t be happy about it. Jane tried to rub some of the blood off onto her jeans, but it wasn’t coming off as easily as she hoped. She felt frustrated tears build up in the corner of her eyes. “Why?” She grunted, scratching her nails over her jeans. Finding her nailbeds-stained red. “Get off!” She shouted.

A paramedic placed a hand on her shoulder, “Jane, it’ll be okay. He will be fine.” They urged her, trying to stop her hand from clawing at her pants. “I need you to calm down. Can you calm down for me?”

Jane shook her head, her eyes stinging, as she looked over Loki’s lithe body. She had never seen him so fragile, his normally neat and perfected appearance was left in a mess. His eyes looked sunken and his skin so pale. She wanted him to give her one of his wide smiles and meet his gaze to find a cheeky glint in his dark eyes. Wanted to feel his hands on her body, and hear his deep voice caress her skin. Feel the heat of his stare.

She just wanted him back.


	11. Chapter Eleven

A rhythmic pulse seemed to echo around him, the beep of machines and the murmur of voices greeted him.

His head felt so heavy, that he didn’t dare open his eyes. He felt so groggy, his eyes were stinging as he felt the trace of tears slid down his cheeks. He wanted to wipe it away, but even the thought of moving his hands had them aching in agony. He didn’t want to move.

He spared a thought about how much he had to drink.

There was a tug in the pit of his elbow, as it felt like there was something attached deep into his bone. He slowly rolled his head onto his shoulder, gasping at the pain before peeling his eyes open.

His eyes settled onto an empty white room, that was starkly different from his bedroom. He narrowed his eyes in confusion as they adjusted to discover himself in a small hospital room.

The machine beside him started to beep louder, the once calming rhythm lost as it started to speed up. Another sound started to cut through the air as he tensed his muscles at the unnerving sound. “Help.” He tried to scream, but his voice was dry. “Help me.” He grunted, only a murmur coming out.

After a moment a nurse ran into the room, clicking a few buttons on the machine as the new sound died down. Loki stared up at her, as she read off the LED screen. “How are you feeling, Loki?” She asked.

“I’m in pain.” He murmured, rolling his head back against the soft pillow. “I feel exhausted.”

“You lost a lot of blood.” The nurse pointed out, turning up the IV machine, as more oxycodone graced his veins. “We’ve had to do a blood transfusion, so you might be feeling a bit weird for the next day or so. But you’ll be better soon enough.”

He nodded simply, feeling the tension in his muscles relax as he was overwashed by a soothing sensation that eased the pain away.

-

A soft hand pressed against Loki’s shoulder, as he was woken from his sleep a day later. He peered up at a nurse, her concerned eyes glued to his. “There’s someone who wants to visit you, do you think you’re up for it?”

He nodded simply, sitting up further in bed as he looked down at his bandaged wrists. He had since remembered what happened that night. He was being a fucking idiot and took it too far. He was just having a bad fucking day and had a bit too much to drink. Even though most of his days started the same way, very rarely his actions lead to him being in a hospital.

He remembered stabbing the glass into his wrists, but everything else was sort of a blur. It just seemed that one moment he was bathing in his blood and the next he was stuck in a white room sitting all by himself.

He could hear concerned voices in the corridor before someone entered his room. Loki turned his gaze towards them, startled to find Jane’s worried expression directed at him. “Hey.” He mumbled, surprised to see her. The tension seemed to ease from his muscles as he took in the familiar sight of her.

He didn’t think that Thor would tell her that he was here. He wondered if Thor sent her instead of bothering to come himself. He hated that his brother was still his emergency contact, but it was endlessly better than putting down his father.

Her caring eyes skimmed across his body, taking in the various tubes running underneath his skin and the thick bandages around his wrists. He watched concern flash across her tired face, as he noticed the sting of red in her eyes. It seemed like she had been crying.

Loki felt his stomach churn uncomfortably, he didn’t want Jane’s pity. He could feel it in the way that she pursed her lips. Like she struggled to think of something to say to him that wouldn’t offend him. He felt a burst of annoyance, at the way she looked at him. Like he was something delicate. Like at any given moment he would cut himself open and bleed himself dry.

She moved further into his room, tightening her hand around the bed’s railing. Loki noticed that she didn’t make a move to take off her jacket, even though she was wearing enough layers to keep herself warm, he figured that she didn’t intend to stay long. “Hey, how are you?” She offered weakly.

“Peachy,” He grumbled. “How are you?”

“Terrified.” She admitted, her warm eyes flicking nervously down towards his chest, where his hands were folded over his body. He noticed her staring and felt his heart sink. The last thing he needed was for her to feel sorry for him. She had enough things to worry about with the wedding coming up. Loki didn’t want her wasting her time worrying about him and the things that he only seemed to attempt.

A deep sense of sadness washed through her eyes, as they met his. “I thought you were dead.” She mumbled softly.

The warmness in her voice made Loki uneasy. He never thought that anyone would care if he died. A flash of panic echoed across Jane’s face, as she seemed to remember something traumatic. Loki felt shame burn his neck red, as it dawned on him.

“You were the one that found me?” He asked her, feeling fear sink to the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want her to be the one to find him, not when his thoughts were on her as he did it. It reminded him of when he dragged Jane onto the shore, as he remembered the absolute sheer terror that coarse his veins as he thought she was dead. 

“Why did you try to kill yourself, Loki?” She asked, without a trace of judgement in her voice.

Loki felt his eyes sting at the sight of her sad face, he stared down at his bandaged wrists instead. Wishing that he could see how deeply the scars were going to be. “I knew it wouldn’t have killed me.” He grumbled.

The words left him feeling empty as he said them, “I just needed it to hurt.”

“It was really fucking stupid.” Jane snapped, causing Loki to flinch.

Loki didn’t fucking need this, he thought. He wanted to roll over and bury his head into the pillow. He didn’t need her eyes looking at him like this. There was nothing he could do to change the way she thought about him. What happened had happened, he couldn’t go back and stop it. He thought that out of everyone, she would be the one to understand, but it just seemed that she was as useless as everyone else. 

She wiped at her teary eyes frustratedly, still thinking of how close he came to death. Jane didn’t want to picture his still form lying underneath her. Even as he remained slumped in the hospital bed, he seemed more hesitant, and more cautious compared to his normally carefree and playful attitude. In a way, it felt like she had lost something between, something that normally remains unsaid between friends. Maybe it was just their naivety. As she knew now what he was capable of.

“Well,” He sneered breathlessly, “Next time I’ll put myself in a warm bath, or better yet,” He continued, narrowing his eyes on her. “I’ll just throw myself off a cliff. That almost worked.”

A thick silence dampened the room, as Jane’s body was stabbed with a sudden cold chill.

“What?” She asked quietly.

As soon as he said it, he could see the way her eyes darkened, watching the way her gaze lingered towards her broken arm.

Loki felt like he had taken a knife to her stomach and cut her open. She couldn’t stop spilling out all her emotions that were finally showing themselves. The anger, frustration, fear, and deep sadness. Now that he saw it, he couldn’t escape it. There it was, all of the dark and chaotic feelings that Loki expected her to have, the type of feelings that would have motivated her to end her life.

Jane was frozen beside him, the air shifting coldly. Loki still felt the words tingling the edge of his lips. He didn’t know whether he had to take it back. He was angry and upset with how much more Jane had than him. She had a life, a relationship, a wedding. She even knew how to kill herself properly. Whereas Loki was always just digging around in the scraps, trying to prove something of himself to people that would never care.

“Don’t be a prick.” Jane whispered, her voice sounding croaky as he saw a tear slid across her cheek. “You might not realise it, but there are people who actually do care about you.”

Loki heard the crinkle of a bag, before seeing it in the corner of his eyes as Jane placed it on the small table beside him. “They asked me to bring you some clothes.” She murmured in explanation.

A deep blush spread across Loki’s cheeks, as he realised that she must have seen him naked if she was the first one to find him. “Jane-“

“I lost the venue,” She cut him off. “So, don’t bother coming to the wedding if you’re just going to complain about it.” She suddenly hauled her handbag further up on her shoulder, before spinning around.

Loki reached out towards her, tugging on the needle digging deep into the pit of his elbow. He ignored the stab of pain, that pierced into his wrist as he grabbed the edge of Jane’s jacket trying to get her to stay. “Wait, Jane.” She yanked her hand out of his grip, turning away from him and disappearing. “Jane!” He called from the bed, staring down at the mess of bandages, cords and blankets that kept him to the bed. He pulled out the needle from his arm, as the machine beside him started flashing and making a horrendous beeping sound. He threw the blankets off himself, wincing as his delicate wrists burned with pain, tugging on the damaged muscles and arteries that were still healing.

A pair of nurses ran into his room, their hands pushing on his shoulders to keep him grounded to the bed. He struggled against them as they held him down. He was panting by the time they managed to get him locked down, two arms spread across his chest and pinning him to the bed. He threw his head back against the pillow a few times, feeling the sting of tears burn in his eyes.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Pulling gently on the handle, Jane attempted to shut the front door as quietly as she could. She crept into the house that rarely felt like her home, holding cautiously onto a bag of groceries as she continued down the winding corridor towards the kitchen.

The sight of Loki's pale skin didn't leave her mind, as she couldn't ignore the darkness etched under his eyes and the tension in his muscles. Let alone ignore what he said, and the fact that he somehow knew about what she tried to do. She was hoping that it was just Thor saying something to him, but deep down she knew that not even Thor knew where she was that night. There was no way that he would have told Loki something so detailed.

Jane could easily remember lifting one foot out in front of the other, balancing on that edge. Feeling the wind breeze across her legs, as it seemed to pull her forward. She let it carry her away, and then everything crashed into her. The water dousing her skin in ice, the pain surging across her body as she felt her lungs fill up.

Then the next thing she saw was Thor’s hunched over shoulders, his hands squeezing one of hers as he cried. She could feel the heat from his skin, it was almost burning as he noticed that she was awake. There was something in the way that he looked at her like she was truly precious. It seemed to be the first time that Thor understood that he could lose her if he wasn't careful. He had never looked at her that way before, as she cautiously threaded their fingers together, looking into his tearful blue eyes. Jane was so relieved to be alive, that she embraced him, clinging onto him desperately as she kept feeling the air escaping around her, as it felt like she was still falling. Even when Thor asked her to marry him, and she thoughtlessly said yes, desperate for things to return to how they were before.

Jane put the milk in the fridge, picking out the bundle of fruit she bought and leaving it in the corner of the counter. She heard a pair of footsteps before she watched as Thor rounded the corner. He seemed to avoid her gaze, as he reached into the fridge and pulling out a protein shake.

“Where were you?” Thor grumbled, moving to take a seat at one of the stools beside the counter.

She fished out a few more items from the bag and put them into the cupboard. “We needed groceries.” She lied.

Thor scoffed, taking a big gulp of his drink. Jane nervously watched him from the corner of her eyes, before she flicked on the switch for the kettle and got down a mug from the cupboard. 

“You could have told me where you were going before you left.” Thor stated, crossing his arms on the bench.

She shrugged her shoulders, “I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.”

“Really?” He questioned, inhaling deeply as he rolled his shoulders back. “After yesterday, I don’t really trust you.” He stated casually.

Jane ducked her head softly, nearly cowering as his eyes fell onto hers. She knew that it was a bad idea to try and visit Loki in hospital. It couldn’t have been worth it, but she had to check that he was still alive. Even if she now had Thor was watching her like he was a wild animal waiting for the right moment to tear her apart. “You told me that you weren’t going to spend any more time with that sleazy pervert.” Jane felt her blood run cold.

“Thor I wasn’t-“

“I bloody well know you were.” The heat in his voice was un unavoidable as it made Jane’s shoulders tense. “You told me yesterday you weren’t going to see him again!”

“I’m sorry, they just asked for me to drop by some clothes. That’s all.” Jane urged. 

“Clothes?” Thor doubted, standing up from his seat as she moved around the counter. The kettle was starting to steam, the water beginning to jump as it bubbled under the surface. “So, you went through his cupboard, right? Dug through all the shelves and chose a nice little outfit for him?”

She shook her head, “Nothing is going on between us, Thor. I promise, he was just helping us with the wedding, you know that none of my friends would.”

“That’s because you’re a blabbermouth.” He grumbled, narrowing in on her as Jane felt the cold bite of the kitchen counter pressing into her hip. “You had to go and tell everyone what fucking happened, where were your precious friends when you did this?” He questioned, gesturing at her broken arm.

“I wasn’t the one that cheated!” Jane sneered, “Don’t you dare blame this on me!” She distantly remembered the sheer excitement coursing through her veins when she went to his office that night. Completely unaware and unprepared for what she was about to walk in on.

Jane’s friends had tried to help her, but they didn’t understand the full picture. Jane didn’t want to tell them everything, and she ended up needing her space. That’s how she found herself standing on the edge, with a tentative hand pressed her stomach. Taking in the hypnotic sway of the ocean that felt so far away.

She knew that deep down she still loved him, but she never thought that he would cheat on her. Not when everything seemed to be going so well. They were starting to live at each other’s place and talks of marriage were in the works. 

The click of the kettle sounded, as it finished boiling. The water was bubbling violently as Thor’s eyes seemed to read every thought flicking through her mind.

“So, are you fucking him?” Thor grumbled, taking another step towards her, nearly touching her.

“I’m not.” She stated firmly, “Just because I spend time with someone doesn’t mean anything like that would happen.” She tried to say confidently, although her voice wavered as she thought of Loki’s lips pressed against hers. She prayed that Thor would believe her. 

“I just don’t believe you,” Thor sneered, “And I don’t trust him.”

“I managed to trust you, remember.” She told him, watching as regret flicked across his features. “And that was after I walked in on you fucking her across your desk.”

She didn’t tell him that she was meaning to surprise him that night, that she had a plastic test in her back pocket, and a bottle of sparkling grape juice to share between them in celebration.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, placing a hand calmly onto her hip, causing her to flinch.

She wouldn’t dare tell him that they lost everything, as soon as she hit the water.

-

Loki was glaring at the doctor that was standing above him, as he held out a small tablet, and a plastic cup of water. “I think this is the best chance for your long-term recovery.”

The dark-haired man took the tablet and swallowed it down. He just wanted everything to be over.

They had moved him to a psych ward, where he was under constant supervision. He hated the cautious looks the nurses sent his way and the chatter behind his back. It had been a few days since he initially tried to hurt himself, and he was still feeling the full force of his shame that his selfish behaviour cost Jane her perfect wedding venue.

He didn’t want to keep sabotaging Jane’s perfect life.

So, Loki took the medication, got on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. He tried to convince his counsellor that he was fine. That it was a spur of the moment accident that he wouldn’t do again.

He requested to leave early from the hospital, against his doctor’s recommendations. After everything was signed, Loki dragged on the clothes that Jane left him. A pair of jeans and a t-shirt that he had forgotten he owned. He relaxed in the back of the taxi, as he made his way home.

He entered his apartment, finding that the shattered coffee table had been swept up. The blood had been scrubbed out of the floor, and the only reminder that Loki's incident had taken place was the hollow coffee table, which was just metal rods at this point without the glass panel above it. Loki felt his stomach turn, as he knew that Jane would have cleaned it up. Not for the first time that day, he realised that he didn't deserve her help.

He wandered to the cupboard, clinging onto a bottle of red as he settled himself at the kitchen table. He uncapped the top, as he tilted his head back and drank straight from the bottle. Once he was halfway through his wine, he started to feel his mind slowly stagger to a stop. The medicine that he was on seemed to enhance the effects, as he felt very drowsy very quickly. He was so relaxed, especially as it had been nearly a week since he had a drink, and he was craving the numbness it brought to his fingers.

He fumbled his phone out of his pocket, scrolling through his contacts before he landed on Aimee’s number. His stomach tightened uncomfortably before he clicked the call button.

The phone stopped ringing as it was picked up, but Aimee didn’t say anything. “Hey,” Loki started, waiting to hear from her.

“Hi, Loki.” She murmured, no longer was she the fun-loving bubbly person that she was before.

“I wanted to know if you were okay?” He asked.

She was quiet for a moment, “I’m fine, had a few cuts.” She eventually told him.

“I’m really sorry.” He told her.

“I don’t want to see you again.” She offered quietly.

Loki gripped the phone tighter, “I understand, I think that’s best.”

“Thanks for calling Loki, I really hope you figure out whatever is going on with you.” She whispered.

The dark-haired man inhaled deeply, trying to regain control over his emotions. “Thank you.”

She hung up as the silence started to stretch on, Loki tightened his hand around the bottle of wine as he made his way upstairs. He stripped his clothes from his body, as he turned on the shower. Stepping underneath the cold spray, he leaned against the cold tiles as the water drenched across his face. His matted hair was sticking to his neck, as he tilted his head back. Drinking down more of his wine as the water started to heat up. He watched as the bandages around his wrists, started to swell up. The bindings becoming loose, as he eventually pulled off the heavy fabric. He stared down at the dark red line that stained his skin. The doctors had told him that they would eventually fade, but he knew that it would be ages until he could look down at himself without being reminded of what he did.

He traced his fingers along the deepest cut, feeling the numbness sting under his skin.


End file.
